Everyone knows that the holiday season is a commercial
paradise.
Not only is it generally required that you have to get presents
for your family members, but also your college and old high school
friends.
And unfortunately, the days of our parents paying for such
things are over.
But this year instead of being the one who receives presents
from everyone and awkwardly pretending to be still in the process
of making or buying gifts, why not be ahead of the game?
You’ll be everyone’s best friend if you not only get
presents for all of your friends (for those with over 500 Facebook
friends, this might be a challenge), but also get them something
they actually enjoy ““ something that could provide an endless
amount of pleasure. Heck, they might even ask you to join in.
So, without further ado, here’s my top 10 list of useful
(sexual) gifts for this holiday season ““ they are rated from
10 (for your overtly chaste friend) to 1 (for the qualified
guru).
10. Wait Wear: T-Shirts, leisure pants or thongs with empowering
messages such as “Notice, No Trespassing on this Property, My
Father is Watching,” “Traffic Control, Wait for
Marriage,” “I’m Saving It,” or “no
vows, no sex.” After all, dedicating yourself to remaining
chaste until some big event, like marriage, is a virtue.
These slogans do, however, bring up other issues; the clothing
is solely targeted at women, I wouldn’t consider a woman
anyone’s property (especially her father’s), and
messages such as “No vows no sex” on panties are
cutting it a little close. But letting someone know that
you’re proud of his or her virtues, and that you’re
willing to wait, with such a gift can mean more than words.
9. A risque game: Something along the lines of “Dirty
Minds,” the “Kama Sutra board game,” dirty dice,
or maybe strip dreidel.
This would be awesome if you’re not yet comfortable
discussing sexual topics with that certain someone, or you just
want to play with your close friends. It’ll force you to use
your vocal chords, and maybe lose a few articles of clothing, but
it should remain innocent enough not to make you uncomfortable.
8. One night of non-platonic love: I have a feeling this is
going to be more popular with the gentlemen than the ladies. But
seriously, what better way to show you love your friend than by
making love to them? And what better way to hone your rusty skills?
I’m sure we all have friends who could benefit from a night
of sweaty nakedness and a few helpful hints and guiding hands.
You’ll be better in bed, your friend will be better in bed,
and who knows, maybe you will discover something about that person
that you never noticed before.
7. Coupons: Obviously, the usual “good for one blow
job/eating out”, but maybe take it a step further and make
someone’s fantasies come true with a coupon for “one
night of having it your way” in which you fulfill that
person’s every sexual wish. It would probably be wise to
include some fine print, and maybe an expiration date in case the
relationship doesn’t last, but take the first step and make
someone’s fantasies come true and maybe the favor will be
returned.
6. The Kama Sutra: I know, I’m so cliche. But this year,
instead of just giving someone the book to look and giggle at, make
a New Year’s resolution to master every position in it.
5. A doll: Dolls (and no, not of the American Girl variety, that
would be so wrong) can get quite realistic, if you’re not
strapped for cash that is. RealDoll.com sells both male and female
dolls for about seven grand. Not only will they custom design a
hermaphrodite doll for you, but you can also send in a picture and
they’ll try to match it. This is the perfect gift if
you’re planning to study abroad and don’t want that
special someone to forget you.
4. A bullet (the vibrator): Preferably as quiet as they go, so
that it can be used during long lectures or tedious plane flights.
And if you’re feeling extra special, get it diamond studded.
I think that says a lot more than an engagement ring, but maybe
that’s just me.
3. A baby Jesus butt plug: The funny thing is, it actually
exists. Not only can you get a baby Jesus butt plug, but you can
purchase an entire dildo crèche, which includes
“God’s Immaculate Rod” (self-explanatory) and a
Virgin Mary dildo.
2. A saddle: Maybe one of you can play Rudolph …
1. An elf: I don’t know where you are going to get one,
but if you find one be sure to let me know. I’ll let your
dirty mind run away with this one; there are so many
possibilities.
If you want to be Lara’s secret
Santa, e-mail her at
lloewenstein @media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.