To start off, I’d like to reassure you all by saying yes,
France is still dealing with the aftermath of the riots, but
don’t worry. We’re sending President Bush over there to
sort everything out.
In my final column for the Daily Bruin, there’s a lot I
want to share with you, my loyal readers, that I’ve wanted to
say for a long time.
Most of you reading this have something to do with UCLA, whether
you’re a student, professor, campus employee, or random
lunatic on Bruin Walk.
Statistics show that, after reading my column, you lose more
brain cells than after a night of consuming enough alcohol to
satisfy Santa Barbara for a year.
No, seriously, most of you will go on to read other parts of the
Daily Bruin, which I definitely consider a positive. You’ll
be hard pressed to find a newspaper of better caliber at UCLA.
Reading the Daily Bruin is a fantastic way to keep up with
campus happenings, get insider news on Los Angeles, and as
I’ve said before ““ enlighten yourselves by reading the
insightful opinions of others.
I want to emphasize and expand upon this particular aspect of
newspaper-readership ““ it’s very important that you be
an active reader and involve yourself some way in the news stories
you read. Go see a play spotlighted by dB Magazine. Discuss a
Viewpoint article with your friends. Educate yourself on the
processes of student government (and then, please, educate me
““ I still don’t even know what USAC stands for, besides
the obvious innuendo-inspired acronyms).
By the same token, I also want to encourage you to use critical
thinking and discretion when it comes to the media. Don’t
turn into a conspiracy nut who passes out black-and-white fliers
sporting vague catch-phrases from the 80s; use your common sense
instead. Example: Bird flu? What the hell is that? Sure, someone
may have died in China from eating a chicken, but is that any
reason for us to be paralyzed with fear?
I demand that the Bush administration flail about angrily and
respond appropriately by cutting funding to something like, I
don’t know, stem cell research.
Speaking of the Bush administration (I hate to be so overtly
political, but this actually helps prove my point), does it strike
you as ironic that, while President Bush is touring Asia to help
improve America’s image in the international community, he is
fighting the Republican-controlled Senate against a bill that
prohibits torture?
On the other hand, remember when Bush blocked traffic on Sunset
last month because he was fundraising in Beverly Hills? And then,
two weeks later, the anti-Bush protestors “fight for the
people” by staging a protest that blocked traffic from
Wilshire to Brazil? This makes as much sense as this random bill I
get every quarter for something called “SHIP”.
This is what I’m talking about ““ use your common
sense when experiencing media, and form your own opinions about
them.
With all that being said, I’d like to thank you, my
readers, for writing to tell me your fascinating stories and
strange ramblings.
Yes, we’ve had quite a good run together and shared many
memorable moments, some of which would be inadvisable to put in
print.
And for my detractors who insist that I never contributed
anything meaningful to the UCLA community, I must disagree and
point out:
1. I encouraged everyone to vote for their favorite Family Guy
character in the Spring 2005 student elections.
2. I cleared up the correct spelling of the Koran (Quran)
(Q’OrAn) (The Da Vinci Code).
3. Thanks to my piercing exposé of the conditions of the
prisoners at Guatanamo Bay, Donald Rumsfeld authorized removal of
“the primary rack and most of the electric eels.”
4. My column on professors lacking common sense led USAC to
approve the increase of all of professor tenures from 5 years until
the Second Coming.
5. I helped end the feud between rap role models “50
Cent” and “The Game,” by pointing out that their
names are equally stupid.
6. My column criticizing MTV has led to the renewal of their
contract with UCLA and, coincidentally, the slashing of the budget
for Music, Art, and Integrity.
7. Due to my criticisms of the “communications”
major, the Registrar increased its minimum major unit requirements
to thirteen.
8. The class “Elementary Azeri” has seen an all-time
record enrollment of seven.
9. Thanks to my column about the Supreme Court, we will never
forget the name of Harriet Myerson.
10. The French and Spanish departments released a statement
about my allegations that their class structures needing revamping.
Unfortunately, no one could read them because everybody failed
their classes.
Thanks for reading.
If you’re interested in reading anything Kaney writes
in the future, e-mail akaney@media.ucla.edu. General comments may
be sent to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.