How nice it must be to live in Michael Buble’s lyrical
world of moondances, soulmates, and flying honeymoons. In
“Come Fly with Me,” he croons, “You may hear all
the angels cheer because we’re together.” I imagine
also that pink bunnies and dewy-eyed puppies must be waltzing while
cherubs and lambs are exchanging Valentines.
This make-believe world thrives in other forms too. In sappy
romantic comedies the routine plot is sometimes so sickeningly
sweet that I feel the need to take a swig of Pepto-Bismol.
In the song “Such Great Heights” by the Postal
Service, there is a sign of destined love so powerful I shudder at
its creepiness: matching eye freckles. The singer also ponders
whether God had made him and his special someone into
“corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the
clay.”
Such things don’t surprise me anymore. In every media
outlet, people are capitalizing on idealized romantic love. The
idea that there is a special person who is fated to be your
soulmate has harnessed the fantasies of singles everywhere. Sorry
to burst your Buble, but no such thing exists.
Love is not divine or destined. It isn’t a
once-in-a-lifetime occurrence that happens only when planets are
aligned. The idea of soulmates is silly because love as we practice
it is surprisingly without surprise. Cupid’s arrow
doesn’t determine who your sweetheart is going to be; rather,
there is a set of factors that greatly influence your selection of
that lucky person.
You will most likely date and marry someone who lives close to
you. My psychology professor once announced that most college
students have already met their future spouse by their second year
in college. You must be thinking about all the people you know
right now.
An article entitled “18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds
Soulmate in Hometown” published in my news source of choice,
The Onion, sardonically opens with, “In a miracle that defies
statistical probability, Corey Munter, 18, reported Monday that he
found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of
Peshtigo.”
I’m going to guess that if you chuckled, it’s
because a story about a guy falling in love with someone from his
hometown doesn’t exactly measure up to a story of
star-crossed lovers. Usually in a story about soulmates,
there’s a good deal more of serendipitous run-ins, cosmic
clues, and the use of the phrase, “It was fate that brought
us together.”
In reality, most people are like Munter and Gaska. According to
several studies, proximity is one of the most important factors
that influence partner selection. Over 50 percent of couples had
lived within a mile of each other at the time of their first date.
Prior to marriage some couples had even lived within one block of
each other.
You will also most likely date and marry someone who is similar
to you. Age, race, religion, height, intelligence, and
attractiveness are all variables of similarity. Bruins are smart
and good-looking, which is why it is highly unlikely that a Bruin
would date a Trojan.
When imagining a perfect partner, it’s natural to desire
similar traits. After all, we want someone who we can connect with.
In a recent study of newlyweds, the data reveals that similarity
plays a large role in mate selection. In fact, the couples were
highly similar in the categories of age, religion, and political
orientation.
There’s nothing supernatural going on. Dating or marrying
someone who is similar to yourself is common sense and not cosmic
destiny. The idea of soulmates is illogical and unpredictable,
while love as it actually happens is organized and
comprehensible.
In reality, mate selection is pretty standard. You are looking
for someone similar and it won’t be unusual if that person
lives within walking distance.
If you’ve accepted that there is a host of conventionally
unromantic factors that influence partner selection but still
believe in the idea of soulmates, consider that your belief is
inherently risky.
For instance, what if, unknown to you, your soulmate resides in
Siberia. The two of you never meet. Are you then doomed to a life
of average love? Or what if your soulmate dies? And what if the
population of single people in the world is an odd number? Does
someone get shafted and not get assigned a soulmate?
When it comes to love, Cole Porter may have had it right all
along. In “Let’s Do It,” some of the lines are,
“Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.” These words
imply that falling in love is not something that is determined by a
higher power. Instead, it’s something essentially natural and
wonderfully commonplace. True, the idea of soulmates is a romantic
one. But it’s also nonsensical and improbable. Human behavior
in selecting partners has proved this theory to be false.
So go forth and meet someone who may become your next great
love. And most likely, that person will quite literally be right
around the corner. And if it doesn’t work, that’s okay,
because it’s completely possible to be perfectly happy with
more than just one person in the whole world.
If you think Tao doesn’t deserve a soulmate, e-mail
her at
atao@media.ucla.edu.