Halloween really tells a lot about the social structure of any
neighborhood. I’m not talking about noting economic disparity
through the quality of children’s costumes, nor am I
referring to the complex social strata of kids who are
trick-or-treating. Rather, I’m talking about something far
more important: quality of candy.
It doesn’t matter how nice adults are on a consistent
basis to the children who live around them. Come Halloween night,
the bottom line is simple: If houses give out cheap candy or
perennially have their lights off on Halloween, the people living
in the houses become social pariahs to anyone under the age of
15.
I’m sure you remember. “Don’t go to Mr.
Smith’s!” children warn each other. “He gives out
toothbrushes!” Or perhaps the classic “Don’t go
to Mrs. Williams’ house; she’s weird and gives out
granola and hugs!” In any case, I’m sure everyone has
been in the situation of being sure to avoid a house or houses due
to the terrible quality of candy.
On the flip side, there are those houses that every year give
out a bonanza of king-sized chocolate bars or a popular candy such
as Airheads. There was even a house down the street from me when I
was growing up that rented a popcorn machine every year and gave
out a bag of popcorn and some soda. Needless to say, it was the
place to be come Oct. 31.
Now, what’s even more interesting to ponder is the fact
that a good number of famous musicians live in neighborhoods where
children will go to trick-or-treat. Sure, some live out in the
boonies away from civilization, but for those who don’t, the
dynamics of trick-or-treating at their houses is fascinating to
think about.
For instance, if I were trick-or-treating in Moby’s
neighborhood, I’d avoid his house at all costs. This
isn’t to say that Moby isn’t a nice fellow. However, he
just strikes me as the sort of guy who would hand out apples on
Halloween, or on a really bad night, maybe just give out pats on
the back. So strike his house from the trick-or-treat
itinerary.
On the other hand, I’d make a mad rush for Wayne Coyne of
the Flaming Lips. His house would likely be decked out in the most
insane way possible for Halloween, with people in animal suits
running around and sugar-packed candy firing out of mounted cannons
on his roof.
Adam Jones of Tool would also have a pretty awesome house,
considering how creepy Tool’s videos are (he directs all of
them). Jones seems like the type who would really get into the
Halloween spirit and would deck his house out with all sorts of
special effects, owing to his experience working in Hollywood in
the early ’90s. His house would probably be so cool that it
wouldn’t even matter if he gave out any candy at all.
Of course, in this imaginary neighborhood, there would
definitely be more than one pariah, and one of them would probably
be Pete Doherty, formerly of the Libertines and now the drug-addled
sometime-frontman of Babyshambles. Halloween night at the Doherty
home would probably involve children ringing his doorbell and one
of three things happening: (1) Doherty stumbling out, high on
something, proceeding to scream at children that he has in no way
violated his parole and cursing about his former bandmates; (2)
Doherty opening the door and prominently collapsing on the front
porch, followed by girlfriend Kate Moss appearing, rolling her
eyes, and proceeding to give Doherty an adrenaline shot; or (3)
Doherty appearing at the front door and starting to hand out
syringes and white powder. Needless to say, kids would probably
love the addictive wonder of the third scenario, though the second
one would be the most likely to occur.
Then again, this is all well and good, but it doesn’t
change one simple, disturbing and ultimately indisputable thing:
From an unknowing child’s perspective, Michael
Jackson’s Neverland Ranch would easily be the most enjoyable,
appealing house on the block on Halloween night. Don’t even
try to argue ““ you know it’s true.
If you think Humphrey is the kind of person who would give
out D-list candy like BottleCaps on Halloween, e-mail him at
mhumphrey@media.ucla.edu.