Prepare yourselves for incredibly bad news.
The federal government has decided, apparently in retaliation
for my recent column suggesting that college students
shouldn’t have to pay taxes, that it is each
university’s responsibility to upgrade its network systems so
the federal government can spy on our Internet access and underbid
on our eBay auctions.
This extends the Federal
We-Can-Wiretap-You-Legally-And-You-Can’t-Do-Anything-About-It-Ha-Ha
Act of 1994 to include Internet monitoring of “universities,
libraries, airports providing wireless service and commercial
Internet access providers.”
This absolutely blows my mind and provokes several questions.
Why do we have a law that deals with wiretapping? Has anyone other
than the Mafia actually wiretapped someone’s phone since
1930? Where do you even get a wiretap? Why does Donald Trump think
his comb-over looks good?
For the life of me, I can’t imagine why the federal
government is so interested in my online activities since they
don’t even really amount to that much. I check my e-mail
periodically (when people call and tell me they sent me e-mail two
weeks ago), I don’t have a MySpace/Facebook/Xanga/Friendbook,
I download all my music legally, and I certainly don’t engage
in terrorist activities online.
I don’t think the terrorists do, either. If I were a
terrorist, which I’m not, I would make all of my secret
activities as secret as possible, which means not putting them on
the Internet, which is ““ as we all know ““ about as safe
as parking in front of a fraternity house.
As seen in Monday’s Daily Bruin, universities would have
to come up with an estimated $7 billion to implement the
government’s changes. Now my grasp of economics isn’t
great, but I’m predicting this $7 billion expense increase is
not going to lead to lower tuition costs.
But hey, what’s a mere $7 billion when it comes to our
national security, especially when there could be terrorists in
your dorm rooms, in the dining halls, or watching “Napoleon
Dynamite” in the study lounge?
FBI Agent 1: Sir, I’m picking up a report from a suspected
terrorist at UCLA. He’s saying to vote for someone named
Pedro … sounds suspicious to me.
FBI Agent 2: That’s just a tired old joke; we’re all
sick of that movie.
FBI Agent 4: What happened to FBI Agent 3?
FBI Agent 5: You guys are freakin’ idiots!
Speaking of culturally irrelevant movies, does anybody remember
the movie “Air Force One”?
It was released in 1997, and stars Harrison Ford as the
president. In the movie, his plane (nicknamed Air Force One) gets
hijacked by some Russians who want a guy named General Radek to be
released from prison. Harrison Ford then kills them.
Basically, that’s the entire plot, and I mention it to
help put into perspective the difference between how we viewed
national security in 1997 and how we view it today. Back then, we
cheered for the American president running berserk with a machine
gun, because it was clear who the bad guys were: the movie theater
owners charging almost $10 a ticket and $3 for a soda. Jerks.
As I watched this movie recently, I couldn’t help but
wonder how a similar situation might have played out if it involved
our current president.
Movie:
Vice President Glenn Close: Mr. President, the hijackers are
demanding the release of General Radek or else they will execute a
hostage every half hour!
Harrison Ford: General Radek? We can’t! His release would
mean the collapse of the Russian state and a return to total chaos.
… I must find my family and recapture this plane before all is
lost!
Reality:
Vice President Dick Cheney: Mr. President, the hijackers are
demanding the release of General Radek or else they will execute a
hostage every half hour!
President Bush: Who?
(He invades New Zealand.)
But that was just a movie, and eight years later, the
international political climate has changed. “Air Force
One” was just a moronic Hollywood movie, but it still
exemplified how we felt about our own national security before
Sept. 11, 2001.
If the government thinks the best way to keep us safe in reality
is by checking to see how often we upload our Webshots, then more
power to them.
No, wait a minute …
If you send akaney@media.ucla.edu an e-mail about
today’s column, there’s a good chance the government
might read it. Kaney might too. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.