Dear Tara Reid,
I was so sorry to hear about the recent cancellation of your E!
television program “Taradise.” While the show ““
in which you traveled the world pursuing both fun and answers to
life’s great questions, often in an inebriated haze ““
was unable to establish itself as a creative or ratings powerhouse,
it provided me with several minutes of viewing pleasure this
summer.
You have every right to be disappointed. With the failure of
“Taradise,” your career seems to have lost its last
semblance of momentum. The young blonde we admired in
“American Pie” is no longer a fresh face with a
promising tomorrow.
Forget about winning an Oscar ““ you’d be lucky to
get a network pilot at this point. To be blunt, your star has
faded.
But trust me, Tara, it’s a blessing in disguise.
What exactly has Hollywood stardom done for you? Sure, there
were the millions of dollars, adoring fans and glitzy parties, but
all that came with grave costs.
I’m sure you recall last November, on the red carpet
outside Diddy’s 35th birthday celebration, when a wardrobe
malfunction revealed your left breast ““ scarred from a recent
boob job ““ to the world, which responded with a collective
“yuck.”
As my friend Adam put it, “It looks like she’s been
nursing a wolverine.”
There is certainly something sucking you dry, but I don’t
think it’s a feral beast. Rather, I blame Hollywood.
It is a place with an insatiable appetite for scandal, where
your embarrassing moment allows gossip columnists to stay in
business, where superficiality reigns supreme, inspiring otherwise
healthy girls like yourself to alter their anatomy as a means to
career advancement ““ and finally, where loyalties are
fleeting.
I certainly don’t need to remind you of your
“friend” Lindsay Lohan’s comment earlier this
summer, when rumors of your out-of-control lifestyle were
circulating: “I’m not some crazy, Tara Reid-esque party
girl.”
Lohan had no qualms about turning your name into a pejorative
adjective when it would benefit her career. With friends like
these, I can understand the appeal of frequent alcohol
consumption.
Do you truly wish to remain in such a cesspool of stardom?
I think you’re fortunate to escape while still young
enough to establish a second career. And that’s the main
reason I’m writing to you. I think I can help you find a more
satisfying profession.
I know you are not a huge fan of the press ““ “I
think there must be a journalist school where students are taught
how to kill Tara Reid,” you recently lamented.
While my Google search was unable to find any school of
journalism that specializes in your destruction, I can see why your
relationship with the media would be somewhat acrimonious.
But hopefully this letter of advice can improve your perception
of the press, as well as lead you in an exciting new professional
direction.
Let’s begin with your qualifications. In a recent
statement to the press, you highlighted your most redeeming
qualities, saying, “I love people, first of all, and I can
pretty much talk to anyone and I always have a good time. I’m
really, like, happy, and I love having fun.”
What a great attitude. That’s the type of spirit that will
take a person far in life. The lack of a college degree could be
detrimental, but we can overcome that. Happiness and a love of fun
count for a lot. Here are a few ideas.
Have you thought about gardening? As I write this letter at my
cramped desk, I can see gardeners mowing the lawn and watering
plants outside the window, and I feel the overwhelming desire to
trade places with them. I think gardening would be the perfect
pursuit for a former actress. You could connect with nature in a
way few Hollywood starlets can. Just think ““ you could end up
the 21st century’s Thoreau.
Or how about writing your memoirs? I can’t imagine a more
captivating story than Tara Reid’s odyssey, from local talent
shows to the cover of Maxim. It’s like “Moby
Dick” without the whale. I can see the line outside Borders
forming already.
Finally, there’s the military. Now I know this might seem
like a ridiculous idea, but bear with me. You could travel to
exotic places ““ an activity any viewer of
“Taradise” knows you enjoy immensely ““ and serve
your country in a time of dire need. And with recruitment standards
recently modified to accept even more of the lowest-scoring
applicants, it looks like a savvy gal such as yourself should have
no trouble joining the prestigious ranks of the U.S. Army. And
don’t even get me started on the benefits.
Tara, let’s be honest. Hollywood stardom is so 1999. But
you could still be gardening’s “it” girl. Or a
fighter on the front lines of America’s war on illiteracy. Or
a part of the solution in Iraq. The possibilities are truly endless
““ now is the time to seize them.
Best of luck,
Brendan Kearns
E-mail Kearns at bkearns@media.ucla.edu.