For college students, the American tax system is fairly easy to
understand, as long as you view it from the official platforms of
the major political parties.
The Republicans believe big business and oil companies
shouldn’t have to pay any taxes because in the long run, they
don’t really make any profits in terms of money, per se, and
the executives in the companies barely make enough to feed their
families, and the companies really contribute a lot to society, and
she looked 18, officer, and the dog ate their homework.
A recent tax cut also gave a special deduction to middle-class
families with children for every hour they spent watching
“The O.C.”
The Democrats believe poor people should have to pay less in
taxes than rich people because they have less money to begin
with.
They are also in favor of a resolution proposing to increase
taxes on the rich to help pay for wasteful bureaucracies such as
FEMA, NWA, CCR, PPG and USAC.
The Green Party believes tax returns (even those done on the
Internet) are inherently evil because they waste paper and
electricity. (I tried a similar tactic in my English class, but it
didn’t work.)
Irwin Schiff, author of “The Federal Mafia” (a book
he is forbidden from selling in the U.S.) believes no one should
pay income taxes.
We can see from this political analysis that one crucial
demographic has been conveniently omitted from all of these
platforms ““ college students.
Yes, college students are supposed to pay income taxes too, and
for a good reason: The government hates us.
No, seriously. The Internal Revenue Service has made it quite
clear that we are required to submit tax returns, even though most
of us make so little money that we are routinely rejected for Taco
Bell credit cards.
From my estimates, we also spend about 85 percent (depreciated,
compounded quarterly) of our gross net income on beer.
Nevertheless, the federal government, having run out of minority
groups to oppress, decided long ago that it needed a
semi-legitimate reason to justify taking away our beer money.
“How about this,” they must have said.
“We’ll set up a system where we give them some money to
help with their college education, then we’ll take it all
back!”
“Huzzah!”
And that is how, years ago, someone came up with the brilliant
idea for the Free Application for Federal Student Aid.
The way the system works, you go to the FAFSA Web site and fill
out all your crucial information, send it to the government
electronically, and in a few weeks you will get a snotty note
informing you that you will receive … bupkis.
Instead, the government will send you a consolation “Get
Out of Jail Free” card, to be used while playing Monopoly
(Enron edition only).
Even the lucky few who accidentally receive federal financial
aid are required to declare it as taxable income if it is not
earmarked for an explicit educational purpose, such as tuition,
books or PartyPoker.com.
Perhaps you think that you don’t really need to file tax
returns, because you’re just one small insignificant wage
earner, and you can probably just slip through the cracks. Besides,
the government doesn’t care about such a small amount of
money.
Perhaps you are wrong.
Deborah Combs of Loveland, Ohio, has been unemployed for most of
the last few years, so she figured she didn’t need to file
any city income tax returns because she hadn’t really been
making any money.
However, city officials are rather upset because, according to
their calculations, she owes a staggering $1.16 in back taxes.
Now this is seemingly nothing more than a humorous story, and we
can imagine it ending happily ““ with Combs contacting the
city and either paying her monstrous debt or having the city agree
to forgive the $1.16.
But as it turns out, Loveland now wants her to pay $4,000 in
fines, and possibly serve a year and a half in jail, for being such
a “flagrant offender,” as City Manager Frederick
Enderle has labeled her.
I realize this may be an extreme example, and it doesn’t
directly involve the IRS. But the point remains that practically no
one is exempt from paying income taxes, even when income does not
technically exist.
It seems rather unreasonable to me that college students should
be required to pay taxes, but you will not find me saying so in
print, because I am afraid of being audited.
So let’s do our patriotic duty and send in our cash,
because we are the nation’s future, and one day all will look
to us college graduates for wisdom and guidance.
I’m spending my Social Security money on beer.
For information on donating to Deborah Combs’ Legal
Defense Fund, or for a definition of “bupkis,” write to
akaney@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.