We can learn lessons from observing the lives of people who were
at the top of the world, yet fell from their pedestals into
disgrace. Why do people sacrifice all the great things
they’ve got going for them just to get a little bit more? Is
it pride, greed, or an insatiable desire for power?
Believe it or not, I’m not talking about Lindsay
Lohan.
Martha Stewart has been called many things over her long,
illustrious career, such as “Lifestyle Guru,”
“Domestic Diva,” “Queen of Ambrosia Salad”
and “Ping-Pong Champion of Cell Block D.”
At last count, she’s starring in two television shows, one
of which is “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” Since she
is desperately trying to re-establish a wholesome, law-abiding,
dignified image, it makes sense to me that Donald Trump is
producing her show. No one projects wholesome like Donald
Trump.
So it seems fitting that Martha should want to add to her resume
the impressive title of “Champion of Pumpkin Racing Across a
Pretty Big Canadian Lake.”
For those of you who are confused, I’ll explain: Every
year around this time in Nova Scotia, a pumpkin farmer named Howard
Dill organizes what’s known as the “Pumpkin
Regatta,” which is Canadian for “Giant Pumpkin Race
Across the Freezing Lake with Pumpkin Glop on Your Shoes.”
Apparently the race is a local charity event that has drawn the
attention of politicians (who would have guessed?) and celebrities.
How it works is they hollow out these giant pumpkins (weighing
upward of 1,000 pounds), put celebrities/politicians in them, give
them a kayak paddle, carefully help them into the water, and watch
them instantly sink into the icy depths of Lake Pesaquid.
No, seriously, they race across the lake, and according to Dill,
“the majority of them make it.”
So as I understand it, Martha was meeting with her vast array of
sycophants, consultants and other unnecessary tagalongs in her
entourage when someone suggested she join this famous pumpkin race,
which I imagine got that person fired immediately. But after more
consideration, Martha reasoned that it would be a great PR
opportunity to help change her image as a distant, calculating,
ruthless business executive and make her seem more like the
easygoing, accessible, Martha-next-door that we all know and love
(or loathe).
To play devil’s advocate for a moment, it does actually
seem like a good idea. After all, she has just spent time in the
federal pen, and doing something whimsical like racing across a
lake in a giant pumpkin is just the thing to once again endear
herself to her audience, the coveted demographic of people with
nothing better to do.
However, our Canadian friends had one minor problem with
Martha’s plans: They weren’t going to let her enter
Canada on the grounds that her raspberry scone recipe clearly calls
for the wrong amount of flour. Also, she is a convicted felon.
Well, you can just imagine the magnitude of uproar this caused.
Martha had announced on her show (creatively titled
“Martha”) that she would be attending the Pumpkin
Regatta, but those pesky Canadians (most common occupations: hockey
player, draft dodger, cannabis grower and beaver) were throwing
quite a wrench into her plans. Plus, they had insulted one of her
recipes.
Fortunately, the Canadian immigration officials realized it
would be a great way to “turn the media spotlight back onto
Canada, eh” and “avoid an embarrassing confrontation
with the Americans.” There was also a chance Martha might
encounter an “unfortunate accident” during the pumpkin
race and “never be seen again.”
So they eventually decided that Martha presented less of a
threat to Canadian national security than, say, a carefully thrown
tennis ball, and they cleared her for entry. But after all that
drama, poor weather conditions kept Martha’s plane grounded
in Maine, so it seems she will have to wait until next year to race
her giant pumpkin.
But I think there’s an obvious lesson to be learned here,
and it’s one that can apply to everyone’s life ““
no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can have your own
reality TV show, as long as you promise to race a giant pumpkin
across a Canadian lake.
Here’s your paddle.
If you would like to enter next year’s pumpkin race,
e-mail Kaney at akaney@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.