Cell phones signal society’s “˜high standards’

Welcome back, fellow Bruins. Now that you’re all here, I
eagerly anticipate waiting in longer lines at Panda Express,
getting harassed every day on Bruin Walk, and not being able to
find a parking space.

Seriously, I’m happy that the campus is going to be full
again. Today’s topic is “cell phones,” but before
we get to that, I’d like to encourage you all to donate to
the Red Cross to help the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.
Old clothes, canned goods, anything you can spare would be helpful.
If you’d rather give money directly to the federal
government, please flush it down the toilet. I’m sure that
will put it to better use.

Cheap-shot joke for charity inspired by Jon Stewart: The
executives at ABC must be really excited with the arrival of
Hurricane Katrina; they’ve just renewed “Extreme
Makeover: Home Edition” for the next 20 years.

Where do they get these names for hurricanes? You’d think
that these terrifying winds of widespread destruction and
unimaginable power would inspire fearsome names such as Hurricane
Jezebel the Scourge of Babylon, Hurricane Medusa the Snake-Demon or
simply just Hurricane Kelly Clarkson.

Please donate.

Ңbull;Ӣbull;Ӣbull;

Anyway, I am pleased to announce that I have become a shallow,
pop culture-obsessed, celebrity-worshipping trend whore, on the
following grounds:

1. I cut my hair in an attempt to make myself look less like a
pot-smoking hippie radical and more like a pot-smoking modern
college student.

2. I now have credit cards to both Banana Republic and
Nordstrom.

3. I got a camera phone.

I’m most troubled by No. 3.

As some of my longtime readers may know, I have long been a
consistent critic the technologically advanced yet intrinsically
worthless, such as MTV, MySpace, seat belts and birth control.

I was really happy with my old cell phone. It couldn’t do
anything fancy, such as dial other area codes, but it worked fine
and was very durable. I had it since sophomore year of high school,
and it had been stolen, dropped, kicked, drowned, thrown across the
room, ingested on many occasions, and it still remembered my Snake
high score (962!).

But my wireless company (which will be identified here only as
C*ngular) told me that I was eligible for a free phone in
celebration of the fact that my R*ll*ver minutes had accumulated to
somewhere around 9 billion. So I went down to the store to check
out my “free” phone and as it turns out (gasp!) they
were out of stock!

Conveniently, they had another phone to recommend to me, which
had a regular retail price of about $600 but was marked down to
only $80 for the special in-store promotion. But wait! The price
was now only $30 with my $50 rebate, as long as I mailed my rebate
card to Madagascar with a notarized DNA sample within the next 20
minutes.

So I relented, and also bought some worthless, idiotic gadgets
and options (“Would you like your new phone to make AND
receive calls? Do you want it to ring?”), and spent about a
100 bucks total.

Now I am the proud owner of a fancy camera phone, and I must
say, this phone is pretty cool.

Not only can it take decent quality pictures, it can access the
Internet, play music, balance my checkbook, and launch the space
shuttle. I haven’t figured out how to do any of this yet, but
I did learn how to make it play the “Mexican Hat Dance”
song, which is definitely worth the 100 bucks.

So all these special features made me wonder:

1. Just how dependent on trendy, overcomplicated (but cool) cell
phones are we Bruins?

2. If I write a column about it, will the Daily Bruin pay for my
new phone?

The answers are (1) very and (2) no.

It seems that everywhere I look, all of you are calling, texting
and IMing each other.

I often see people walking together, talking on their phones.
I’ve even seen couples holding hands and ignoring each so
they can buy a ringtone from, I don’t know, Kanye West (I
wonder: If they get married, will communication be a problem?).

You know, we do live in Los Angeles. Most of the country already
views us as flashy, shallow “socialites,” desperate for
acceptance and following any moron trend (Popped collars? You
knuckleheads.)

Are we going to be forgotten for our academic achievements, rich
athletic traditions, ground-breaking scientific research and the
cursed Janss Steps?

I think not. I for one am proud of our high standards, and for
any of you who don’t like them, USC’s right across
town.

Here, I’ll MapQuest it for you on my new phone.

Text Kaney ““ well, just e-mail him ““ at
akaney@media.ucla.edu, and he will read it. Unless you call him a
sellout.

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