I swear, if I see Ty Pennington build one more house for some
stupid, underprivileged, down-on-their-luck family, I’m going
to rip out every spike of hair on his goofy head and hit him in the
face with his own tool belt.
Let me explain: There are two things every college graduate
needs ““ a job and a house. Sure, all that cap, gown and
diploma commencement crap they put on for us soon-to-be-alumni
makes us think we’ll be able to conquer the world. But
let’s be honest: Finding a job, with or without a diploma,
still takes a little hard work and a whole lot of networking.
Unfortunately, the only network I’ve been involved in
lately is network television, and it’s just served to make me
tragically optimistic about my chances of making it in the real
world.
Like Pennington’s ever-popular “Extreme Makeover:
Home Edition,” these programs are supposed to inspire and
enliven viewers with their generous home building and helping. But
the only emotions the show has inspired in me are jealousy and
anger, mostly because chances are, nobody is ever going to build a
house for me.
And when it comes to me and housing, there’s nobody
I’m more jealous of than Suzanne Whang. She’s the host
of HGTV’s “House Hunters,” where in every episode
the tiny upbeat relator guru carries out the show’s mission
statement: to find the perfect pad. And boy, she’s not
kidding when she says perfect. No winding white marble staircase?
See ya later! No feng shui rock garden? Sayonara! No personal zoo
and backyard amusement park modeled after Michael Jackson’s
preteen paradise? Forget about it!
And then there’s me.
Where was Whang when I was arguing with a sweaty, balding
landlord who spoke broken English over whether my prospective new
place would be coming with working electricity and a functional
front door? Where is my marble staircase? Where is my feng shui
garden? Where is my preteen paradise?
As for getting a job, the search is equally discouraging. Sure,
Donald Trump’s handing out apprenticeships left and right,
and Bravo’s “Making it Big!” is giving out dream
jobs faster than Katie Holmes is giving away her dignity, but I can
barely manage to fight my way into a few unpaid internships and an
evening job at In-N-Out.
Now even high school kids have it better than me, especially
with the upcoming reality show “The Scholar,” which
rewards one hard-working student with a full ride to the university
of his or her choice. Where was that when I was flipping through
college brochures and begging my biology teacher to raise that
minus to a plus? I worked my butt off in high school, and the only
things I got were a few hugs and a fancy piece of paper with my
name on it.
Sort of like what I’m going to be getting when I graduate
college next week. Only this fancy piece of paper will be signed by
Arnold Schwarzenegger, which I can only hope will give it at least
a little street value. Lord knows I’m going to need it when I
have to move back in with my parents and they start demanding
rent.
Then again, I guess it’s only 10th week, and that still
leaves me another option.
I wonder if Pennington would be interested in a little show I
call “Extreme Home Makeover: College Drop-Out
Edition”?
Want to lend Scott some good ol’ clothes, food and
shelter? E-mail him at jscott@media.ucla.edu.