Today’s topic is professors who have poor classroom
skills. But before we do that, we need a legal disclaimer:
The professors (or stereotypes thereof) addressed in this column
are not necessarily ones in whose classes I am enrolled this
quarter, nor is it implied that I have ever taken a class involving
these professors. If you’re reasonably intelligent, and/or
have read my column before, you undoubtedly have realized by now
that I’m being intentionally vague and have indeed taken
classes with all the professors I will talk about. This disclaimer
is here for the sole purpose of protecting my GPA, and may not be
used, implied, rebroadcast or laughed at without the express
written consent from at least two people who have not yet seen
“Revenge of the Sith.”
Wonderful. Now let’s take a look at the three main
categories of professorial blunders:
1. Professors who refuse to use microphones in large lecture
halls
2. Professors who don’t understand the concept of having
TAs pass out handouts
3. Professors who refuse to use computer-related technology
Before we begin, I should mention that these three categories
mainly refer to professors who lecture in large classes, so wimpy
little six-person anthropology discussions don’t really apply
here.
First is the professor in need of a microphone. For example: If
you, dear professor, are lecturing in Moore 100, which holds about
8,000 people and has all the natural acoustics of a tube sock, you
will need a microphone so people beyond the first row can hear what
you are saying.
If I can hear someone’s iPod in the back row better than
your interpretation of Shakespeare, then something is wrong, is it
not?
And don’t hold your hands to your ears when someone in the
audience asks you a question, because we college students are very
much attuned to irony, and we shall snicker as the irony passes
right over your head.
It can be very frustrating to hear a nearly unintelligible
sentence and only decipher the words “midterm,”
“iambic pentameter” and “90 percent of your
grade.”
And it’s not like professors have to buy their own
audio/visual equipment and wireless mikes. They are easily
available in nearly every lecture hall, meaning the only technical
work professors have to do is walk over to the mic, clip it to
their shirt, and turn it on.
For these reasons, I propose UCLA make a law requiring
professors in large lecture halls to use microphones. Failure to
comply with this law would force the professor to cancel the
day’s lecture and make the next major test open-book, since
students can’t be expected to know what they can’t
hear.
Now let’s move on to professors who don’t utilize
their TAs effectively.
Picture this: You’ve just entered your math class, which
is in a pretty big room, and almost every seat is taken. You
squeeze past an overweight kid eating pizza (yeah, that’ll
help) and plop yourself down in the middle between two people you
definitely don’t know.
Then you finally get your little side-desk thingy in place, take
out your notebook and pen, and hear the words:
“OK class, everyone come to the front and pick up
today’s handout.”
You look in dismay to the front of the room where a confused
mass of mathematicians (who are not known for their coordination)
are milling around like a giant writhing herd of mating squid with
calculators.
As you stumble forward, people boxing you in on every side, you
notice about a dozen TAs sitting at the front, laughing and
gossiping.
You wonder to yourself, “Why don’t they just pass
the handouts to us, instead of wasting a half hour by making us get
up and get them?” Unfortunately, I don’t know, but I
suspect it has something to do with
“dissertations.”
This is indeed a serious problem. The only way of remedying it
would be another UCLA law requiring professors to use their TAs to
pass out materials. If the TAs refuse, they would be forced to
spend one summer as freshman orientation counselors.
Our final group of professors are those who refuse to use
computer technology. You know who you are. You are the ones too
lazy to put together a PowerPoint presentation between lectures. Do
not tell me that it is too difficult ““ if a
non-doctorate-holding junior high student can do it, so can
you.
Our generation of college students learns more easily with
bright colors, catchy songs and funny sound effects. Didn’t
“Sesame Street” prove that?
Also, I am not paying two grand a quarter to decipher your
ridiculously atrocious handwriting. Nor am I willing to invest in
binoculars if you decide to write on the board in a font size
appropriate for microfilm.
One more UCLA law is clearly in order here, and professors who
refuse to use computer technology will be demoted to junior high so
they can get comfortable with computers.
I realize that today I’ve only presented some negative
stereotypes of professors, so in closing I’d like to say that
there are many fantastic professors here at UCLA, who keep their
classes running smoothly and make learning fun, like Big Bird and
Elmo.
So to any professors reading this, please use a mic, get your
lazy TAs to do some grunt work, and embrace technology. And above
all, I’m not in your class, so don’t bother
checking.
If you have not yet seen “Revenge of the Sith,”
or if you have horror stories of professors with poor classroom
skills, send them to akaney@media.ucla.edu.