Finals are coming up, the summer sun is out, the nights are
warm, you’re ever-so-horny ““ but oh my god,
you’ve got to study.
The answer: sex on campus. Whether a quickie in between classes,
a risque adventure during class, a late night romp, or fully
utilizing those hours between that early lecture and late
discussion, sex on campus can add some serious benefits to your
day.
You’ll feel refreshed in the mid-afternoon, you’ll
be ready to tackle the world, you’ll be completely relaxed
for that presentation, and you’ll be hiding a secret smile
and flushing cheeks that scream, “I just got some booty
““ booya!” But seriously, find a quirky location, and
the day is yours. Good sex gives you an adrenaline boost, and
having sex in a precarious situation will almost certainly have you
pumped and ready to go.
This is all about making the most out of every minute of the
day, and a midday rendezvous will do much more to perk you up than
napping in Powell.
And besides, you can make your roommates happy by not
“sexiling” them for once. They’ll appreciate it,
really. I’m sure they’re reasonably irritated already,
knowing how much action you’re getting and how little
they’ve had.
So while the less experienced among you might want to start at
No. 10 on the top 10 places to have sex on campus list, if
you’re a self-certified “sexpert,” feel free to
jump ahead.
10. Sculpture Gardens (or any gardens) ““ cliche, but cute.
I’ll give you extra points if you manage the sculpture
gardens at midday, especially if you get creative and include the
sculptures (that horse has potential). You’re less cool if
you stick to the more hidden spots, such as the creek behind
Anderson. My only suggestion is, unless you’re really
friendly with the outdoors, bring a blanket.
9. Bathrooms ““ these seem to be popular for those who want
to fully exploit those five-minute breaks you get during long
lectures. Or if your roommate is clueless, the handicap bathrooms
in the high rises are nice.
8. Young Research Library (the soundproof rooms) ““
apartment and dorm room walls are way too thin anyway. Let your
vocal chords go wild.
7. The rape trail ““ it’s time to prove the name
wrong by having fully consensual sex on it, especially when the
sprinklers are on … hot.
6. The projection room, during lecture ““ it’s there,
it’s empty, and you weren’t listening anyway. Besides,
when you’re done, you can peek out and snicker at all your
classmates.
5. Your roommate’s bed ““ OK, OK, not technically on
campus. But if you’re looking for some extra excitement, yet
aren’t quite ready to make the jump to join the real birds
and bees ““ your roommate’s bed has just the right
amount of “this isn’t really right” mixed with
“oh man, this is so funny.” You’ll look back on
that moment with a smile every time you think about what a surprise
your roommate would have had if you hadn’t used a towel.
4. The stacks of the biomedical library ““ this would be
especially good if you’re into Bikram yoga. These stacks get
kind of intense during the summer. But I’ve also never seen
anyone in them. My choice spot would be right next to the plastic
surgery journals (don’t ask).
3. The planetarium ““ you don’t have to be a science
geek to appreciate the romantic possibilities of a sensuous
experience inside, yet still under the stars. Or knowing Los
Angeles, probably the only place where you can see stars. And if
you are astronomically knowledgeable, it’s a perfect place to
show off that other side of you ““ your great intelligence
(hey, it’s not all about looks).
2. The steam tunnels ““ if you’re not afraid of the
dark and creepy, this will probably be relatively safe. I’m
imagining costumes … a premature Halloween.
1. Pauley Pavilion, center court ““ if El Guapo and I
don’t beat you to it. You could even call it a charity bang,
charge admission, and donate all the money to a cause of your
choice. Before you know it, you’ll be sending hundreds of
kids to UniCamp.
Once you’ve mastered the art of location copulation, head
over to IShaggedHere.com and print out a plaque to hang at the
memorable spot. That way, all your successors will know who came
before them ““ literally.
Lengthen the list and send your personal anecdotes of midday
rendezvous to Lara at lloewenstein@media.ucla.edu.