Standing atop our scaffold, UCLA has but one mark of shame
““ a bona fide scarlet letter on our collective breast. One
symbol sits there, taunting us at every move. It laughs at us as we
walk to class. It mocks us as we return from Bruin Walk. It is none
other than the passive and meek baby bear ““ the so-called
“Bruin.”
To proud UCLA students, this emblem of weakness eats away at our
very existence, a daily reminder of submission and powerlessness.
The Bruin, after all, was only picked as a second to the adult
Bears of Cal. Our beloved blue and gold were chosen as cheap
imitations of the original colors of our northern foe.
The feeble baby bear only reaffirms UCLA’s inferiority
with every passing day. Are we still only a little brother? Are we
not able to walk on our own two feet?
It is time, UCLA, to grow up.
There is but one solution to our quandary. To reclaim our
rightful preeminence, we must replace the cowardly Bruin with a new
mascot. It must symbolize raw strength, brute force, utter
fearlessness, a proud history, and it must strike fear into the
eyes of our crosstown rival. Yes, Santa Monica City College must
shudder in fright at the mere mention of our new mascot. What could
possibly live up to such a powerful reputation? Only the mighty
fire ant.
Small in stature yet large in heart, the fire ant is much like
the typical UCLA student. It possesses the fiercest of stings, like
the untamed South Campus major. It is feared and respected
throughout the land, like Chancellor Carnesale. Some ants can lift
up to 50 times their own weight ““ just like me.
Since 1984, the bronze pre-pubescent bear has stood silent in
Bruin Plaza, too afraid even to move. The Bruin reacts, the fire
ant preempts. It does not growl at the enemy as she passes by.
“Since day one, the passive baby bear has provoked nothing
but ire here at UCLA,” said fourth-year history student
Daniel Eliav, “and I whole-heartedly welcome our liberation
by the courageous and mighty fire ant.”
The unrivaled ferocity of the fearsome ant is perhaps best
displayed in “Walden” by the incomparable Henry David
Thoreau. Recalling an epic ant battle he once witnessed, Thoreau
explains that in comparison to the ant, “human soldiers never
fought so resolutely.”
The ants, he writes, “fought with more pertinacity than
bulldogs.” It is no wonder that Thoreau likens the heroic ant
struggle to the Battle of Bunker Hill. The fire ant is our
modern-day George Washington, ready to lead UCLA to renewed victory
against all odds.
Besides Cal, another UCLA rival would also feel the heat of our
new mascot. Ironically, as a fire ant, we would have an unqualified
advantage over the Anteaters of UC Irvine. Anteaters typically go
after ant nests in trees. Yet the fire ant outwits the dim
anteater; he makes no such habitat in trees.
The lesson is clear: Only the fire ant can save UCLA from the
menacing Anteater of Irvine.
The blasphemous idol of shame that currently inhabits Bruin
Plaza must be stricken from our campus immediately. In the absence
of a truly stupendous mascot, UCLA has stooped to building itself
nothing short of a modern-day golden calf. Worse, it is as if Cal
first built a golden cow ““ and we followed with a golden
calf.
Perhaps the greatest upshot of replacing the Bruin with the fire
ant is its geographical implications. Bruin Plaza is currently
burdened with the bumbling six-feet-high and 10-feet-long baby
bear.
Yet for all his height and length, the bear is nothing but a
huge waste of space. He neither intimidates nor inspires. After he
is removed, a massive amount of space will again become available.
The gallant fire ant stands a robust five millimeters tall. Imagine
one glistening statue of this beautiful creature displayed in the
center of campus. Better yet, imagine a whole fleet of these
sparkling mini fire ant statues peppering our university.
Once the symbol of our mighty fire ant is erected, every student
will again walk proudly on this campus. Every UCLA man will get
laid and every UCLA woman will be appreciated for her mind, in
addition to her body.
Our days in the shadow of Cal are over. The time for change is
now. March on, mighty fire ants.
Keyes is a third-year Middle Eastern studies student. E-mail
him at dkeyes@media.ucla.edu.