It was announced with a lot of self-congratulation that this
year’s Grammy Awards ceremony would be broadcast to a lucky
690 million people around the globe. That comes as a surprise,
considering I don’t know a single person who has ever watched
it all the way through. So, this past Sunday, I resolutely sat down
with a bowlful of pasta (courtesy of Italian Express) and a glass
of wine to see what all the fuss was about.
8:09. It’s only taken a couple minutes for me to realize
why I’ve subconsciously been avoiding the Grammys for at
least five years. I can’t remember the last time I saw
something on TV that made me as instantly dumber as that opening
performance ““ a seizure-inducing medley of five artists
taking turns playing a chorus and bridge of one song, then a chorus
and bridge of another song, and then soon, all playing their
respective choruses together at the same time. Maybe that Laguna
Beach show on MTV. No, I take that back. This was worse. If
it’s possible to get ADD by watching TV, I just did.
8:20. Jamie Foxx is working hard for that Oscar two weeks from
now. Ray Charles is favored to win a few of the top prizes tonight,
and I think Jamie’s going to be riding that wave of sentiment
to victory later this month. It’s strange how these awards
races follow a more coherent logic than political ones, where, for
instance, Abu Ghraib translates to a presidential mandate.
8:35. I’m no Joan Rivers, but co-presenters Nelly and Adam
Sandler (for best R&B vocal) make for a pretty clear
do-and-don’t awards-show fashion guide. Nelly looks sharp in
that pale blue suit, but that might only be because he’s
standing next to Sandler, who looks like the average Joe Six-pack
watching at home. Those clothes don’t even look washed, and
I’m pretty sure that facial hair is not intentional. One last
red-carpet observation: Alicia Keys and Christina Milian ““
class.
8:48. Oh, and Quentin Tarantino is rockin’ a beanie and
parka. There’s something inherently wrong with that.
9:00. Now this is the kind of gem I tuned in to see. J. Lo and
Marc Antony’s re-enactment of a Telemundo soap opera, replete
with tacky bedroom set, melodramatic gestures and that awkward lack
of chemistry. Just made my evening. Unintentional comedy of the
highest caliber; I almost wish I was taping this. Did she really
just try and sing a ballad live with that voice of hers? That was
bad by karaoke standards.
9:13. That makes the second time they’ve shown Ricky
Martin just sitting in the audience. Which means the media blitz
for his new album is just around the corner. I’m not sure if
it’s possible to overstate just how bad of an idea this is.
Ricky’s in that category of musicians best left as fond
memories. Next thing you know, Hanson will be making a
comeback.
9:55. I’m positive there have been more performances than
awards handed out tonight.
10:04. After a while, you just get numb to how offensive some of
this is. Two hours in, and I barely flinch when a dolled-up Joss
Stone butchers a Janis Joplin tribute, American Idol style.
10:15. Male country singers can get away with a lot without
having their manhood questioned. I don’t know anyone who
could pull off the tight, bright red shirt glittering with sequins
that Tim McGraw just performed in.
10:20. Loretta Lynn is hilarious. Bless her.
10:35. Bono: “This is the best Grammys I’ve ever
seen.” I know it’s impossible to feel sorry for him,
but I came pretty close.
11:11. The president of the whole thing just gave a speech that
started with tsunami aid and ended up being a thinly disguised
“don’t download” warning. These kinds of speeches
make me wish I had Internet again, just so I could download music
to spite The Man.
11:30. Ray Charles has officially won every award tonight. My
roommate walks in and says of his manager Joe Adams, “Hey,
that guy’s not blind! He’s looking around and
everything.” I wish I had come in for just the last two
minutes too.
I’m a big fan of awards shows. The Golden Globes, VMAs,
SAGs, you name it, I’m in front of the tube. There’s
something cute about celebrities patting themselves on the back for
hours on end, but the Grammys are no fun. The big winner of the
night was Prince, not because he took home two awards, but because
he didn’t bother to show up. Hopefully I’ll be so
fortunate next year.
E-mail Lee at alee2@media.ucla.edu.