It’s Valentine’s Day, and it’s a safe bet the
“missed connections” message boards on Craigslist.org
are packed.
Craigslist, the now ubiquitous Web site that hosts online
communities in cities across America so people can buy, sell, or
trade couches, vintage lunch boxes, et al, also allows people to
seek out strangers with whom they have shared fleeting glances.
The hope of a user of “missed connections” is that
after describing, for example, the brunette Longs Drugs pharmacist
who flirted and seemed to connect with said user, the pharmacist
will read the Craigslist post and reply, thus initiating contact
with the shy customer.
So it would seem that “missed connections” coaxes
out the romantic side in people. After all, everyone has had a
brief encounter with someone, only to kick himself or herself for
not initiating contact.
Craigslist now gives people the chance to seek out those
nameless individuals, and thousands do so weekly. But all this is
predicated on the idea that people actually check “missed
connections” or else a post would be a waste of time.
Romantic ideas aside, “missed connections” can also
be a bit depressing because the chances of making a connection seem
so slim. But more than depressing, “missed connections”
perfectly encapsulates the cultural dissonance of society.
“Technology has revolutionized our society to such an
extent that social skills are no longer a prerequisite for
initiating a relationship,” said Jenny Greenwald, a
fourth-year sociology student. Instead of retreating to the safety
of their computers, Greenwald said people should try to make
connections in person.
“You know you could approach the cute, dark-haired
pharmacist,” she said. (When Greenwald said “you”
she didn’t mean me, just so you know.)
In addition to the argument that technology, like the Internet,
has stripped people of their interpersonal skills, it can also be
said that “missed connections” simply highlights a
profound yearning in our culture to make connections with others,
and just how far people might go to make those connections.
Despite the unsettling conclusions one could draw from
“missed connections,” it surely piques one’s
interest. I had never heard of “missed connections”
until I stumbled across this part of Craigslist while trying to
figure out how to post a message to sell my dog for lunch money. I
wasn’t even sure if it was real, so I asked some users.
To my surprise, the first person to answer my queries had
actually received a reply from the individual she had described in
her Feb. 8 post, entitled “Leaving Starbucks on Pico and
Midvale simultaneously ““ 7:30 p.m.” The 28 year-old
poster, who asked to remain anonymous for privacy reasons, said she
was shocked to get a response.
“It always seemed like the lottery ““ it happens to
other people, but it would never happen to me,” she said.
It would appear that the anonymous poster got pretty lucky, as
she said from her knowledge, most people never get a reply to their
posts. Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist, has told various news
sources that “missed connections” is his favorite part
of the Web site, though in Jesamyn Go’s MSNBC.com article,
“A second chance at a missed match,” Newmark said it is
hard to tell whether people find their “missed
connections.”
“The anonymity involved in posting makes it difficult to
keep track of success stories,” Newmark said.
I count the aforementioned anonymous poster as a success story,
even if all that was established is contact. For thousands of
posters, the fleeting moments they write about never amount to
much. But those ephemeral encounters actually are meaningful.
“People don’t know how to translate a moment like
that, and it is often a moment like that which gives birth in human
lives and can lead to love,” said M. Christina Benson, an
associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA
Neuropsychiatric Institute. “A sense of seeing something in
someone or feeling that the other person sees something in you is
(powerful). People have turned away from even knowing what to do
with that.”
So Greenwald is right: Go introduce yourself to the
pharmacist.
Upon first hearing about “missed connections,”
Benson said she thought the posts were real, whereas I was much
more skeptical and wondered whether many were hoaxes.
“My first impression is that this has something to do with
how disconnected and alone people feel in our culture and how
unequipped they feel to have human relations,” Benson said.
“These people are really searching for something in this
alienating culture of ours. It expresses their yearning.”
Some posters seem to use the service without reading too much
into it. Cara Haltiwanger, a 24-year-old bartender and makeup
artist said in an e-mail interview that “missed
connections” is “fun and it can’t
hurt.”
“I don’t know other people that have used it or had
success using it, but it was suggested to me by a friend when I
told her how I had exchanged a few glances with a stranger,”
Haltiwanger said.
“I definitely wanted a reply, but I really don’t
think it will happen. The chances of someone actually checking this
site randomly after you have posted something is really
rare.”
So now I’ve taken to checking “missed
connections” with the hope that someone will post about
me.
But no one has. We really are living in an era of cultural
annihilation and the mutilation of the self.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
E-mail Miller at dmiller@media.ucla.edu