Friends with benefits. It sounds like the ideal arrangement,
doesn’t it? After all, if both parties promise not to get
emotionally attached, it seems sensible that two people can get
physically involved and leave commitment and jealousy by the
wayside.
In theory, having a friendship that retreats between the sheets
on a regular or sporadic basis without the messiness of a
full-fledged relationship looks like bliss.
Lori Faber, a first-year linguistics and anthropology student,
acknowledges that she just isn’t a relationship gal,
preferring the more casual friends-with-benefits arrangement.
“Sometimes it goes, “˜Well, that worked out,’
and then we’re back to being friends. And other times it
totally trashes the friendship,” Faber said.
While Faber and others say they have seen it work without
emotional involvement, friends with benefits belongs on the shelf
with the other abandoned “too good to be true” offers
in life ““ the used car “steal” you didn’t
know required a huge down payment and the fine print of credit card
offers.
But the difference with this reality-warping promotion is that
usually a friend, yourself or some alcohol convinces you it’s
a good idea ““ not a TV ad.
And as real people are much more persuasive than machines,
it’s easy to get sucked into believing hook-ups with no
hang-ups are the new dating innovation.
But you can’t shut out those old-fashioned feelings.
Usually it isn’t long before someone gets jealous when a
“friend” feels free to flirt or date others.
Often, friends opt for benefits when other factors prevent them
from having the relationship title.
Sometimes it’s impending graduation, going off to school,
parting for the summer, unresolved issues or emotional baggage one
of you admits to still carrying.
For example, Nathan Brown, a second-year graduating history
student, is casually hooking up with a friend because graduation
will likely result in both of them going separate ways soon.
But he hasn’t completely shrugged off the idea of
commitment.
“She keeps telling me we’re not exclusive, but I
have no interest in finding anyone else. It’s a de facto
exclusive relationship for myself. … It’s pretty much in
her hands,” Brown said.
This is where the whole non-serious thing can get kind of
slippery. As long as both friends are in such a place of
non-stability and neither desires commitment, you can possibly have
all the play you want without the work of a relationship.
But the problems accrue when feelings do creep in, as they often
do. As much as you vow not to get emotionally attached, you can
find yourself months into a friend relationship that brings as much
drama ““ or more ““ than a flat-out,
you’re-allowed-to-go-on-dates relationship.
When things go from light to heavy, and only one side feels the
emotional shake, you can lose your cuddly buddy and the platonic
friend you began with.
Just as friends with benefits can go from a good idea to an
awful one, I spoke to one student who, at the beginning of our
conversation, was thinking, yeah, that’s a good idea. But
after some thought, he realized it probably wasn’t the way to
go.
“There are some people who are able to have sex and not
care and not get emotionally attached. I don’t know if I
could,” said Mark Banner, a first-year ethnomusicology
student.
And that, in short ““ this progression from elation to
negation ““ is how many friends with benefits turn into
friends with baggage.
Since you never know if the friends-with-benefits thing will end
in resentment or a mutual decision to go back to being “just
friends,” it’s best to be careful and either date your
friend or find another mate.
But then again, I have quite a few friends with benefits ““
you know, friends in the working world with health and dental
coverage. We’re getting along just fine.
Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.