I’ve been sort of intrigued by this book everyone’s
talking about, “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
But I’m just not that into it.
This title is on the best-seller list, the sale shelf at almost
every bookstore, and many of my girlfriends have devoured it or are
planning to.
But I just don’t get the obsession. The book is co-written
by a “Sex and the City” writer and a male consultant
for the show. The work is based on letters from distraught women
looking for dating advice, and the advice is usually the same:
He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling, or not
having sex with you, or sleeping with someone else, etc.
After a while, I felt I was reading the same chapter over and
over.
And while I agree that no phone call often equals no interest,
this book ignores shy men and makes women believe that making the
first move is dating suicide.
Women still believe they must wait for the man to call, and that
if he doesn’t, he isn’t interested.
On the surface, this common-sensical advice is valid, and many
women need to hear that they should stop waiting and move on.
However, there are men out there who are interested in women but
are too shy to make a move if they can’t tell the feeling is
mutual.
While I didn’t glean mind-blowing insight about reading
guys from reading this book, it made me realize why it has done so
well: It’s honest with its readers, while most dating
isn’t.
Women and men favor more palatable euphemisms for not being
interested than “I’m just not that into you,”
which both sexes often misinterpret.
Many of us say we just want to be honest with each other in
relationships. But there’s a big gap between wanting and
being, and how often do we actually achieve our so-called
ideal?
I’m even wary that those who say they want honesty really
don’t want it. Our culture of ambiguous communication has
invented and infused so many euphemisms into its dialogue that
we’re used to functioning under confusion.
We’d rather hold on to the hope that an alarm will ring
inside the person who says, “I’m just not ready for a
relationship,” and he or she will call and tell you
it’s time.
Many of us would rather make excuses than move on because
we’ve been taught that rejection is failure.
But hanging on to hopes when we should let go is the real loss
““ resulting in time, energy and thought wasted on a crush or
a suffering relationship that should be abandoned.
And this is where the book makes sense and is so needed ““
it tells women to stop obsessing, wake up, and move on.
But it needs a sequel and a cultural revolution where both sexes
will be honest and mature enough to deal with the truth.
If social norms were overturned and we were all more
straightforward in our relationships, both with others and in our
analysis of what others say, we wouldn’t need books to decode
others’ actions for us. We’d just get it.
But we don’t get it because the dating dialogue is
muddled, tricky and has numerous definitions. Just say what you
want ““ or maybe don’t want ““ and you’ll
know pretty soon whether or not you’re going to get it.
If you don’t want a relationship with someone, say so
““ from the beginning. And if you’re with someone
who’s noncommittal, don’t try to change him or her.
Either stay for fun or get out of there before you find yourself in
a deeper state of frustration.
Similarly, if you haven’t had the relationship talk, you
can’t be sure of exclusivity. There’s nothing wrong
with dating around, as long as you narrow it down to one when
you’re going to get serious.
Today’s dating world does need a guidebook, but it needs
to be about learning to say what you mean in the first place, and
not about how to translate what others say.
Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu if you’re just not that into self-help
books.