This Halloween I’d like to get everyone in the spirit of
things with this terrifying fact:
Over half of all murders happen in the bathroom.
Well, at least half of all murder scenes from horror films
happen in the bathroom, according to an advertisement for the
American Movie Classics channel.
Of course, because it’s Halloween, and being a channel
that plays old movies all day long, AMC didn’t base this
creepy statistic on any legitimate police data.
But AMC left out a few places a little closer to home that are a
heck of a lot more frightening than anything on television.
To begin, there’s an old legend that says a network of
catacombs exists beneath campus, supposedly running the entire
length of UCLA. Of course, the scariest part of this tale (and the
reason I’ve never ventured down to bizarre tunnels) is
because you’re probably eligible for immediate expulsion if
you’re caught down there trying to skip class.
A place more familiar to most of us, but equally frightening,
has to be Rolfe Hall. If all those underweight, book wormy English
students aren’t enough to give you the creeps, find the
post-graduation job list; you’ve never known fear until
you’ve seen the future of a Spanish language degree.
Many might think the “rape trail” would be an
obvious choice for one of the scariest locales on campus.
Unfortunately, to the disappointment of thrill seekers like myself,
its mystery has completely disappeared since they added all those
lights along the trail and fenced it in.
And don’t forget the men’s room in the Royce Hall
basement. Often a hang out for old guys and lonely male WAC majors,
these rest rooms have always been known for their pick-up
atmosphere. But for the pee-shy and poorly endowed, this bathroom
stop can be even more terrifying that the shower scene in
“Psycho.”
Or how about the inverted fountain next to Knudsen and
Schoenberg. To the logical and mathematical minded individuals of
South Campus, they view this shallow drain of a fountain as art. To
me, it just looks like a good place to dump a body.
And what’s the deal with Hitch Suites? In all my time here
I’ve never met anyone living in Hitch Suites. I’m
pretty sure this far-off complex, shrouded in mystery, is seldom
spoken of for a reason.
And of all the on-campus eateries, Puzzles has to be the most
terrifying. Sure, it might advertise itself as the place
“where it all comes together,” but it’s really
where it all falls apart, like cheap Halloween costumes and strappy
sandals of drunken girls. Visiting this place sober at 2 a.m. on a
Friday night could leave you with a few awful images of cheese
fries and hungry sorority girls that will haunt you for the rest of
your life.
Still, if you don’t agree that all these places are truly
as scary as I claim they are, I think AMC’s advertisement can
teach us one lesson in the how-to’s of spooky Halloween
horrors:
Any place can be scary with the right lighting and sound
effects. And that’s a fact.
E-mail Scott at jscott@media.ucla.edu.