I swear I’m not an alcoholic.
But when I heard that the Arclight Cinemas in Hollywood were
presenting special “21+” screenings of movies all
summer long, I was so excited I must have squealed louder than Paul
Hamm when he tumbled his way to a gold medal.
I know not everyone is as excited about this amazing event as I
am, but for me the pairing of movies and alcohol is a match more
cohesive than peanut butter and jelly, Nick and Jessica, or even
the Olympics and doping.
OK. So you’re probably saying, “Wait a second, how
is this any different from what I do every other Friday night in
the privacy of my own living room?”
Well, for one, unless you’re filthy rich and can afford to
have your own personal movie theater somewhere hidden in your
14-bedroom, 13 1/2-bath estate, you probably don’t make it a
habit to drink while watching the latest summer blockbuster on the
big screen.
Additionally, you’re not likely to find beer on tap hidden
among the other overpriced soft drinks at your local movie theater.
In fact, the Arclight’s web site boasts that it is the first
movie theater in California licensed to serve alcoholic
beverages.
So why haven’t theaters across the country thought of this
idea long before us? Are we Californians so smart and incredibly
innovative that the rest of the nation is years behind us?
Probably not.
Are we just bigger lushes, determined to find a way to add
alcohol to every aspect of our lives? Will our workplace
watercoolers soon be replaced by a cheap keg of Natural Ice and
handle of Jim Beam? Are we destined to see mini-bars and beer
coasters to come fully installed in every new SUV?
Hopefully not.
More realistically, the movie theater industry has historically
chosen to shy away from serving alcoholic beverages for a number of
different safety reasons. A lot more can happen in a dark theater
than can in an open air sporting arena, and I’m not talking
about “the wave.”
Still, the Arclight reports no instances where any one of their
visitors has gotten hurt during one of their summer screenings,
besides a few drunk and overzealous movie-goers having to be
escorted from the theater.
So forget that tub of extra-buttery popcorn and that oversized
box of JuJu Bees because there’s a new overpriced confection
in town, and this one’s not for kids.
All that being said, I’ll give you 12 steps ““ I mean
reasons ““ why you should fill up your flasks, put on your
drinking hats, and move your 21+ party to a new location.
1.) It’s a fact ““ alcohol makes any event better.
Thanksgiving would not happen in my family were it not for the
boxed wine my Aunt Marie brings over that seems to make the whole
night a blur.
2.) If the movie’s bad, don’t sweat it ““ you
probably won’t remember it.
3.) Alcohol facilitates all sorts of darkness-shrouded
debauchery.
4.) For some strange reason, “Princess Diaries 2: Royal
Engagement” just became the suspense thriller of the summer.
I mean, who will she marry? Why is she a princess? Why did they
make a sequel?
5.) Billy Murray + Beer Goggles = Tom Cruise
6.) With enough alcohol, even the plot twist at the end of
“The Village” can be surprising.
7.) During “Open Water,” learn to master the art of
such solo drinking games as “drink every time someone loses a
limb.”
8.) Alcohol will give you the confidence to shout out such
clever quips as “Straight to video!” during an
unpromising preview.
9.) Alcohol will give you the confidence to forcefully shush
that person shouting “clever quips” during a
preview.
10.) Suddenly, $7 for a small bag of popcorn seems
reasonable.
11.) Sure, it’s a little like drinking alone in the dark.
But, really, who cares when you have two fists full of vodka
cranberry martinis and a stomach full of Miller Light, being one
drink away from passing out in your cozy theater seats.
12.) And finally, did I mention that alcohol makes any event
better?
Scott is currently passed out. E-mail him at
jscott@media.ucla.edu.