This story never happens. This story ends with our imaginary
character, Man, having unsafe sex. Though you think you’re
above unsafe sex, we all know sex trumps brains.
OK, Man thinks he’s above unsafe sex too. Because of this,
when he goes out to parties, he takes friends as companions instead
of condoms.
Man is walking down Gayley Avenue, looking for a party where he
can do his thing. (But Man has no mojo, and should never be seen in
public “doing his thing.”)
Man finally finds a party where he can do his thing in
public.
This party has provided Man with alcohol, which miraculously
improves his ability to attract females. It has provided many women
with tons of alcohol, which greatly deteriorates their abilities to
resist ugly males.
With the magic machinery of the alcohol hard at work, Man finds
Woman. Upon seeing her, Man is immediately reminded of a fact (it
could happen): 61 percent of UCLA undergraduates under 21
haven’t had intercourse, according to the Arthur Ashe Student
Health and Wellness Center.
Man wants to alter that statistic. Woman says OK.
They go back to his place, and Man turns on Prince’s
“Purple Rain.” (I heard it was on a list of songs to
make love to.) Man and Woman aren’t really talkers, so they
just get in bed.
Man is again reminded of a fact (apparently he knows a great
many things): Recently, two porn actors contracted HIV, bringing
almost all American porn productions to a grinding halt.
Man thinks to himself, “If even porn actors, who get
tested all the time with some of the most technologically advanced
equipment available, can get a sexually transmitted disease, then
maybe I should worry about myself tonight.”
But he doesn’t. He figures porn stars never use condoms
and sleep around a lot. (I can’t vouch for everyone, but
that’s often untrue.) He figures it will never happen to
him.
As Man and Woman prepare to copulate, he remembers another fact:
There are more than 1.2 million new cases of sexually transmitted
diseases every year in the United States, according to the Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention.
Man imagines asking Woman if she has any STDs. He can’t
bring himself to do it. Man imagines asking Woman if she has any
condoms. He’s still too embarrassed about the way he danced
at the party to inquire. Again, the two are both very quiet people,
so they simply proceed with the sex act.
And suddenly, he’s acquired a troubling new case of
gonorrhea. And she’s acquired a troubling new case of human
life residing in her belly.
I could go into detail about the couple’s ill-fated
tragedy, but I’m sure your cultivated mind can imagine
something much worse.
“But this story had no point,” you complain.
“It was just a story about what happens to stupid people when
they have sex.”
It is precisely that senseless tragedy that this story is meant
to convey. We’re all stupid sometimes, and we’re all
stupid sometimes when sex is involved. It’s nothing to be
ashamed of; there’s nothing wrong with (any amount of)
sex.
That said, most of us could stand to be a little more careful.
We all know a bunch of facts and statistics, just like Man did. The
problem is we’re not really paying much attention to the
smart folks who tell us these facts.
So, please, find your solution. Abstinence works, if
that’s your thing. Using protection works. Taking time to
communicate openly with your partner works just dandy too.
Just don’t end up like Man or Woman, confused and dismayed
at the end of a night of lust and wonderment. Besides,
they’ve got awful names.
Now, I know the story of Man and Woman is completely impossible.
No one has an STD at UCLA. No one has sex at UCLA. And certainly no
one goes to fraternity parties at UCLA simply to get drunk and have
sex. Completely impossible.
In fact, it’s probably never happened to any of your
friends. Just ask. No one gets STDs these days. It couldn’t
possibly be as many as 1.2 million, could it?
Schenck is a first-year undeclared student. E-mail him at
jschenck@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.