In high school I was a vocal opponent of the maxim “nice
guys finish last.” I comforted my guy friends who most often
were girlfriend-less and frequently heartbroken from unrequited
love, blaming their single status on this “undeniable
truth.” I, of course, countered with, “You’re
wrong. Nice guys finish first.”
And though I believed I was looking for a nice guy, I
wasn’t dating anyone “nice.” I was too busy
lusting after the asshole archetype whose flirtations usually led
nowhere or for the ones who were known for the frustrating and
cruel “I have a crush on you ““ but I have a
girlfriend” remarks.
I told myself and my bitter, single guy friends that all girls
are looking for a nice guy, someone who will treat them right and
won’t flirt with every girl who walks by. But it took
numerous cocky, big-time flirts and noncommittal types until I
actually followed my own mantra and let some nice guys into the
race.
For years I consistently fell for the mind game boy, the mixed
signal boy, the I-don’t-know-how-to-use-the-phone boy, the
I’ve-developed-a-crush-on-your-roommate/best friend boy, and
the noncommittal, hard-to-read boys. (Remember: These personality
tropes go for girls, as well.)
It’s true, nice guys may finish last when it comes to
landing a date during a one-night sprint at the bar, but they pull
through in the stamina events and prove themselves as boyfriend
material. Nice guys easily outrun sprinters in the long-distance
tests. For if a guy soars over the hurdles and proves steady
through the friendship race, he will come out on top and finish
well ahead of the others.
Don’t get me wrong; this idiom applies to girls, as well.
There are plenty of sadomasochistic guys out there (I’m
talking about personality here, not the bedroom) who repeatedly
allow themselves to get pushed around by not-so-nice girls. Double
standards abound in the dating world and in social norms we
construct for ourselves.
I guess “nice guys finish last” was coined by
disgruntled single guy No. 578,953 so that he could blame society
for his broken heart when, to fall on the crutch of another
cliché, perhaps the union just wasn’t meant to be. The
idiom should be shelved right up there with “I don’t
have time for a relationship” as an excuse rather than a
rule.
If anything, nice guys may suffer from fitting perfectly in the
rebound category, as their gestures and efforts to help their
significant others with laundry, homework, housework and errands
and to be nicer than the ex can get them in the door. But we all
know rebound relationships are as likely to disappoint as the Bruin
men’s basketball team.
Far too often these “nice guys” will wallow in their
sorrow of being single, blaming it on the mysterious, unfair ways
of the universe. Well, stop whining, and prove the saying wrong.
Though being nice is, well, nice, it’s also not enough. You
can be nice while also being boring and uptight ““ but perhaps
the niceness isn’t the reason you finish last. In fact, in
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” Kate Winslet
thinks nice means boring, trite, stale and overused. And this is
why many favor the people who leave you feeling excited, dangerous
and even as if you’re the only person on Earth.
You can be nice but also fun, interesting and exciting ““
and end up on top. In fact, in the end, Kate Winslet chooses the
niceness of Jim Carrey over the alternative. And it makes complete,
spotless sense.
Niceness never is the prime culprit in unrequited love or a
breakup in a couple unless you’re suffocatingly nice, in
which case the definition of “nice” more closely
resembles “stalker” and maybe you just need to
chill.
And gasp! Guess what! Even the undoubtedly wonderful and
“nicest boy/girl you’ve ever met” can lie, cheat
and dump a significant other without the courtesy of supplying a
decent explanation and denying any type of nice, neat closure to a
relationship. Any nice guy can finish last when he only
superficially fits the archetype.
Bonos is the 2003-2004 copy chief who prides herself on
being a reformed dater of nice boys. If you want to complain about
a jerk who’s got your heart in his hand, e-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu.