Correction Appended
When I got back from class on Friday, I saw a mess of chairs,
tables and trash cans piled up to the ceiling in my study lounge. I
thought to myself, what are these meddling kids up to this
time?
That’s when I realized that the pile was the illegitimate
child of finals and stress.
The rumor mills are churning and I’ve heard through the
grapevine that finals are right around the corner. But this is no
reason to panic.
After all, you’ve done all the reading. You’ve been
studying. Hell, you’ve got the professor wrapped around your
little finger like a mangled sardine. Right?
Well, OK, no one’s perfect. So of course stress will
probably get to all of us at some point. Some people deal with it
by taking a break, snacking with some friends ““ and then
stacking all their furniture until they build a stairway to heaven
where, presumably, there is less stress.
But face the facts. With the amount of furniture most of us can
get our hands on, you’re not even going to get halfway up
there.
I’ve also heard of other unorthodox de-stress techniques
from people who may someday qualify for a Darwin Award:
Some suggest you try to:
“¢bull; Light your cell phone on fire. When it works, get
freaked out and throw it out the window.
“¢bull; Drink, smoke or drug yourself silly, until you start
claiming you could beat Kasparov at Chinese checkers.
“¢bull; Have sex with something with legs.
“¢bull; Go “off-roading” on campus.
But these methods don’t work. They may be amusing, but
they just help you avoid your academic woes while getting you into
bigger trouble.
You could also try one of these gimmicky de-stress trinkets or
tactics ““ head massagers, stress balls or the rugby cure.
Yes, the rugby cure, sponsored by retiring rugby star Jason
Leonard. It’s a program that’s supposed to help kids
stay stress-free while studying for standardized tests.
The program, “Kids Diet,” draws parallels to
dieting, sports and teaching. As Leonard told the BBC, “I was
delighted to be able to apply some of the things that I learned
during my rugby training to help create this guide.” But the
parallels in this diet are overdrawn.
Now, this program is intended for 11-year-olds, but we were all
11 once. I’m sure the child in each of us can see the
inherent wisdom in this technique.
Take me for instance. In my few short years playing soccer, I
learned oh-so-much about standardized tests. And surely,
Leonard’s professional experience must give him quite an edge
while taking academic tests.
I just hope some misguided 11-year-old test taker, sitting in
class, marking “˜C’ after “˜C’ after
“˜C’ doesn’t suddenly burst out of his chair and
tackle his neighbor.
In other words, rugby stress training is just another gimmick.
Not only that, it endangers test takers everywhere.
Instead, why don’t we all take a deep breath and try some
of the old-fashioned remedies that always seem to work. Annoying,
isn’t it? Sometimes you have to do it the hard way, but those
old-school ways do seem to get the job done. So here are some
respectable ways to deal with stress.
First, feel in control. Do whatever it takes. Be like the little
engine that could. Get your friends to cheer you on, even study if
you have to. If you feel like an impotent victim of the test, it
will conquer you.
Don’t cram. Well, cram if you really have to. But
don’t cram.
Always remember bodily functions. This may sound simple, but
it’s amazing how often people will deny themselves food and
sleep just to study. It’s bad for you, and the more hungry
and tired you are, the less effective you are. Remember to breathe,
too.
Sitting too much means you’re not standing enough.
It’s beautiful and sunny outside right now. Don’t sit
in front of your textbook wishing you were out there. A test should
not have the power to confine you to your room.
Finally, a little stress is good. Sometimes it’s the only
thing that can motivate you in a world of depression and
disappointment. Sometimes it just helps keep you sharp.
Bottom line: stress is unavoidable, but you can always control
it. Problem solved.
A strange feeling comes over you. It feels good. You don’t
need to stack furniture, after all.
So bid good riddance to the problems of stress and finals.
Instead, avoid stress, burst out of your chair and tackle the
bastard that is finals week.
Schenck is a first-year pre-communication studies student.
E-mail him at jschenck@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.
Correction: March 17, 2004,
Wednesday
The name of Jason Leonard’s program was incorrectly
stated. The program’s title is @Kids Diet.