This is going to seem like an impossible task, but I am here to
tell you why UCLA is going to win the Pac-10 Tournament.
Convincing anyone that UCLA will win is going to take some
ridiculous logic, so I thought I might borrow from the king of
ridiculous logic, Homer Simpson.
“When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie,
Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie,
Police Academy.”
This year began so promisingly with Westwood singing the praises
of our new basketball wizard who was turning Lavin’s
Leftovers into Howland’s Hustlers. Howland brought the fun
back into Westwood, leading the Bruins to a 5-0 conference record,
and giving hope to a desperate campus.
The team hustled, demonstrated some semblance of offensive flow,
and reacquired a defensive resolve lacking under Lavin. It is the
same team today. The players just need to rediscover the magic they
had during that streak.
Homer: Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking
course, and I forgot how to drive?
In addition to departing seniors T.J. Cummings and Jon Crispin,
Janou Rubin, Ryan Walcott, and Cedric Bozeman are poised to receive
the Crispin-treatment during a recruit-led renaissance next
year.
Thus, this tournament poses as the last chance for the Bruins to
make a positive impression on our memories, because otherwise the
season will go the way of those USC games they didn’t play
this year. Nope, never happened.
Homer’s brain : Use reverse psychology.
Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s brain : OK, don’t use reverse
psychology.
Homer : OK, I will!
Maybe since everyone keeps talking about how horrible we are,
the team will actually believe in itself. I mean, it’s
possible.
Homer: Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself
is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making
other people feel good about themselves!
UCLA owns its first round opponent, Washington, or at least as
much as any team you barely beat twice.
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t
show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
It’s fate that in round two, the Bruins will play USC.
In addition to the last-hurrah motivation, UCLA will have the
if-we-don’t-beat-‘SC-we-might-as-well-not-come-back
motivation.
Homer: If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s
that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish
Flanders was dead.
After being embarrassed in the last USC game, Dijon Thompson is
going to go off. Thompson will go for 40 and Desmon Farmer will be
swallowed up by a hole in the ground as the buzzer sounds.
Lisa: Dad, I think he’s an ivory dealer. His boots are
ivory, his hat is ivory, and I’m pretty sure that check is
ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who’s got lots of ivory is less likely
to hurt Stampy (their elephant) than a guy whose ivory supplies are
low.
Once they take care of Washington and USC, UCLA will be in the
finals against Stanford. As Stanford is a team with a lot of wins
already, they won’t need the win, so they will let us have
it, as we are a team that has few.
Well, makes as much sense as the rest of the argument.
When writing his column, Peters remembers Homer’s
wisdom, “I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone
listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.” E-mail
him at bpeters@media.ucla.edu.