In life, it truly is better and less selfish to give without
being concerned with what you will receive. However, when a
lopsided tally reigns in the bedroom, someone needs to settle the
score.
Let’s face it; talking about sexual acts with your
boyfriend, girlfriend or quasi-significant other is hard. Asking
for what you need or want sounds simple in theory but can be
difficult and awkward to convey it delicately.
Not talking about the subject makes resolution even harder and
often causes unnecessary aggravation.
So what do you do when you’re not getting what you want
but don’t know how to ask? More specifically, how do you
react when your partner squirms at the frank mention of the words
“oral sex”?
While it’s better to use real, explicit terms to get your
point across, many of us have trouble vocalizing our desires.
If this portrait of a tongue-tied, unsatisfied lover resembles
you or someone you know intimately, try changing the venue of your
language. Bring your words out of the bedroom and serve them up in
the kitchen.
While discussing with a friend how she should broach the topic
of inadequate reciprocation with her boyfriend, I made the
following analogy:
Right now you’re cooking gourmet meals for your boyfriend,
I explained.
You may like to cook, but the main reason you’re cooking
is for his enjoyment. You don’t cook for him with the sole
purpose of getting him to cook for you, but when he never cooks for
you, you obviously get hungry.
Then I prepared her for the follow-through: If your boy thinks
he’s found a clever excuse and says, “Maybe I
don’t like to cook; maybe I’d rather eat out,”
simply reply: “That’s exactly what I’m
asking!”
And, if he doesn’t make a vow to at least try his hand (or
mouth) at picking up the kitchen utensils, make it clear you will
stop cooking for him if he doesn’t return the favor.
But if he goes so low as to brush you off, saying he
“doesn’t like your cooking anyway,” do not
hesitate to smack him, throw your hands up in disgust, and take
your recipes with you in search of another honey who will gladly
prepare gourmet cuisine at the drop of a spatula.
We’ve all studied analogies as SAT prep and have decoded
them in an English paper or two, so why not actually apply this
seemingly useless skill to the real world? Spice up a potentially
embarrassing conversation with some analytical flavor, and you and
your partner are good to go down together.
But before you take my advice to the bedroom, remember that
it’s expected you clean up the kitchen after making a mess.
And just as you can crave certain foods and end up regretting your
indulgence when it ends in a stomach ache, keep your relationship
balanced by not skimping on non-physical exercise. Don’t let
yourselves become consumed by cooking ““ always make time for
outdoor activities, public appearances and philosophical
discussions.
Finally, to avoid getting burned by an STD, it’s smart to
arm yourself with a latex version of the oven mitt.
Now think of the amazing possibilities ““ all of a sudden
cooking won’t always seem like a chore and teaching your
partner to cook or offering a new recipe doesn’t sound nearly
as patronizing as “correcting his or her
technique.”
You could even take real cooking classes together (this time I
do mean food) and then experiment with homemade recipes on each
other.
The two of you can now talk in code about things you
wouldn’t ordinarily mention in public. Those around you will
just think you’ve gone off the culinary deep end, getting
giddy over talk of what one of you plans on making for dessert.
Not only can analogies help you say exactly what you mean
without the awkwardness, there’s nothing sexier than a little
play ““ on words.
Bonos is the 2003-2004 copy chief who hates the SAT but
loves analogies. E-mail her your favorite at lbonos@media.ucla.edu.
Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.