President Bush’s proposal to promote “healthy
marriages” did not come quickly enough for one couple.
After 43 years together, Ken and Barbie have sadly broken up.
Mattel’s vice president of marketing, Russell Arons, hints
the split is likely due to Ken’s reluctance to finally settle
down and get married.
Had Bush’s $1.5 billion initiative meant to encourage
marriages through training and counseling already been in effect,
the United States might have avoided this tragic split.
Alas, the two lovebirds have gone the way of Ben and J-Lo and
Tom and Nicole. While the news of their separation has shocked the
world, it really should come as no surprise. The warning signs have
been present for quite some time.
Four years ago, President 2000 Barbie made a bid for the White
House. Not only was her campaign unsuccessful, but rumors began to
swirl around Washington that her pairing with Ken was only for the
sake of her political career. This loveless relationship had been
cold for quite some time, and was kept alive only to promote
Barbie’s image as a compassionate and likable woman.
Ken should have anticipated the coming split at Barbie’s
last birthday party. To celebrate the event, Ken got her
“Barbie’s Dream Vacuum Cleaner” and
“Barbie’s Dream Treadmill.”
Barbie did not appreciate his efforts, marking the beginning of
the end to their romance.
Her parting with Ken comes on the heels of her reinvention as
Cali Girl Barbie. As a California girl, Barbie now wears a bikini
top and board shorts, and has a darker tan. Further fitting the
Golden State theme, her breasts are still plastic.
The aftermath of the breakup is soon to come. Over their 43-year
love affair, Ken and Barbie acquired lots of mutual property. From
beach homes to motor homes, luxury automobiles to horses and pets,
there will be a bitter palimony suit to determine who gets
what.
Furthermore, while Barbie has experienced success in a wide
variety of job fields, Ken for the most part has been an unemployed
bum, living off of his now-ex-girlfriend. He might be entitled to
monetary support for the foreseeable future.
But perhaps this split has helped Ken overcome his fear of
marital commitment. It has been said that he spent
Valentine’s weekend with GI Joe at a wedding in San
Francisco. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Did Ken and Barbie give up too easily or was their relationship
doomed from the start? Sexually, Ken and Barbie never were a good
match for each other. The parts just don’t match up. What is
that about?
Additionally, Barbie’s true profession certainly had to be
eating Ken up inside. Knowing that for only $9.95 anyone could take
her home and get her clothes off must certainly have put a strain
on the relationship.
Barbie now finds herself rebounding into the arms of Blaine, an
Australian boogie boarder. Perhaps Blaine will bring back some of
the excitement that has been in Barbie’s life for quite some
time now. Certainly he will have no reservations about taking her
“Down Under.”
But watch out, Blaine. Barbie is a very demanding and needy
woman. If you take Ken’s pants off, you will clearly see that
she has completely emasculated him. There is no doubt she will do
the same to her new beau, especially as she gets older.
It is unknown if the two blonde bombshells are apart for good or
if this is just a momentary speed bump on the highway of love. Time
apart might be good for both of them ““ it will give them a
chance to find out what is really important in life, like increased
Mattel revenues during the first quarter of the 2004 fiscal
year.
Whatever happens though, Barbie has vowed that she and Ken will
always remain friends.
Barbie, you may sleep in a Dream House, but that dream will not
be coming true.
There is a problem with the girl that Pfohl was seeing
““ she closed the blinds on her window. Pfohl is a fourth-year
history and political science student. E-mail him at
jpfohl@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.