If you think you’re reading a sports column, you’re
wrong.
Still, along with the rest of the world, I watched the Super
Bowl on Sunday, but instead of watching the event for what
it’s supposed to be (a football game), I watched it for what
it really is: a massive exercise in television production. The game
itself provides entertainment for some, but many others rely on the
rest of the show.
And if you are still reading this, there’s at least a
decent chance that you are one of those people, so here’s a
running diary of my experience with Super Bowl XXXVIII to prove my
point.
3 p.m.: Live from my dorm room and hundreds of millions of other
locations around the world, it’s the Super Bowl XXXVIII
telecast! The festivities are underway ““ and, apparently,
there’s going to be a football game at some point, too.
3:11 p.m.: Las Vegas odds makers are at a loss for words when
the first good commercial of the afternoon comes not from a beer
company, but from McDonald’s, as a man discovers his
wife’s sexual appeal after he places a hamburger wrapper in
the dryer instead of a fabric softener, causing his wife’s
clothes to smell like something more to his liking. As long as KFC
doesn’t try the same thing with a greasy, empty chicken
tub”¦
3:28 p.m.: Kickoff, and right on time, too. I never thought
I’d say this, but the Oscars’ producers should start
taking notes from the NFL.
3:54 p.m.: In the best commercial of the game, Willie Nelson and
Don Zimmer star in an ad  for investment giant H&R Block.
I can’t believe I actually just typed that sentence with a
straight face.
3:59 p.m.: Is it just me, or does it bother anyone else that the
“50 First Dates” trailer includes a scene (in which
Drew Barrymore beats up someone pretending to mug Adam Sandler)
that seems to have been taken directly from “Mr.
Deeds”? If we switched the scripts for the two scenes, would
anyone notice? How far back do we have to go to find someone who
gets so much credit for plagiarizing himself? George M. Cohan?
William Shakespeare? I’m open to discussion about this.
4:08 p.m.: Score at the end of the first quarter. Carolina
Panthers: 0. New England Patriots: 0. Promos for “Survivor:
All-Stars,” premiering right after the game: 3.
4:10 p.m.: Mike Ditka advertises for Levita, but doesn’t
tell us what the drug does. Thanks, coach.
4:18 p.m.: Pepsi uses the actual kids who got arrested for
downloading music illegally to star in a commercial advertising the
company’s new music download giveaway promotion in
conjunction with the iTunes music store. Boy, it’s a good
thing we really made an example out of those kids.
4:31 p.m.: Best pun of the day, courtesy of a Charmin toilet
paper: “It’s the strongest protection for your end
zone.”
5:12 p.m.: Field goal, Panthers, as they cut the Patriots lead
to 14-10 right at the end of the half. I haven’t heard of so
much scoring so quickly since that Paris Hilton video.
5:26 p.m.: My dad calls in the middle of the halftime show to
tell me he has “no interest (in the game) other than seeing
(DeShaun) Foster and (Ricky) Manning (Jr.),” both UCLA grads.
I never made the connection, making my dad a bigger UCLA fan than
me. Go figure.
5:31 p.m.: Kid Rock comes onstage during the halftime show
wearing a giant U.S. flag as a poncho, effectively saying to a
worldwide audience, “Look how ostentatious our country can
be!” Jessica Simpson smiles and nods.
7:12 p.m.: The last good commercial of the game, in which a
young Jimi Hendrix chooses Pepsi instead of Coke. And because the
Pepsi vending machine was next to a guitar shop “¦ well, you
know the rest. The Coke machine was next to an accordion shop,
though, so now we know the soft drink of choice of The
Decemberists.
7:15 p.m.: Touchdown, Panthers, to tie the game at 29-29.
7:16 p.m.: My dad calls (again) to tell me he thinks more
alcohol has been consumed in America today than any other day of
the year. I’m not sure I entirely disagree.
7:27 p.m.: Field goal, Patriots. 32-29. And the game ends soon
thereafter. Until next year, sports fans.
E-mail your comments to Tracer at
jtracer@media.ucla.edu.