Close your eyes and imagine the following scenario: You’ve
had two too many glasses of Sex on the Beach. You think
you’re OK to drive. You get in the car and attempt to drive
home ““ only to crash your car into the center divider,
killing yourself and the front-seat passenger.
Now imagine another hypothetical situation: You’ve had sex
on the beach, and you are drunk with love, intoxicated by the
excitement and joy of a new, budding relationship.
You and your partner get in a fight because he/she isn’t
calling you back and you have a hunch he/she has been sneaking some
extra lovin’ from someone else.
Instead of confronting your partner, you ask a friend (who
was recently cheated on) for advice ““ you figure this
person can relate.
Your friend, still smarting from the scar of betrayal and
looking for vengeance, replies: “I wish I’d cheated on
him/her when I had the chance so he/she would know what it feels
like!” In your drunken state, this makes perfect sense. You
decide that revenge ““ even if it is preemptive ““ is the
best strategy. So you do some cheating yourself. (Hey, Bush thought
a suspicion of WMD was enough proof to attack, so why not do the
same?)
However, while you’re busy spinning a web of drama rivaled
only by “All My Children” ““ or found within a
house on Hilgard Avenue ““ you discover there is a perfectly
good excuse for the unreturned phone calls. The only one
who’s cheated is you. You’ve driven your relationship
into a dead end.
While the result of this hypothetical situation is less
physically damaging than the drunk driving scenario, there is an
important correlation ““ and yes, it relates to dating.
Being in love can be a lot like being drunk. Your vision is
blurred, your decision-making skills are skewed, and sometimes you
should just put the keys down and call a cab. Sometimes you
shouldn’t risk driving your relationship into a wall.
It’s an easy decision not to drink and drive, but
there’s no chart, no Breathalyzer to tell you when
you’re too love-intoxicated to be making sound relationship
judgments.
If you can’t see things clearly, the question is: Where
should you turn to get sensible advice? It wouldn’t be smart
to have a drunk friend determine if you’re capable of
driving, so why ask a an infatuated friend for relationship
advice?
Therefore, I suggest turning to your single friends for a big,
sobering cup of coffee in the form of an objective picture of your
relationship.
Single friends don’t let attached friends drive drunk, and
they can help you sober up to the legal relationship-driving
limit.
Confide in your single friends, and you will find you can both
learn from one another. Those who are single can benefit from your
detours ““ and shortcuts ““ on the relationship road, and
vice versa. Single friends can give valid, meaningful and
experienced counseling ““ even if you don’t expect it.
So don’t be afraid to hand over the keys and listen to their
advice.
How many of you have periodically recalled numerous lessons
you’ve learned from failed relationships, only to repeat the
same mistakes once more? Raise your hands high and I’m sure
you’ll see others doing the same.
The post-breakup stage can be a time of clarity, as the clouds
part and all the previously hidden problems with your past
relationship are revealed. In addition to recognizing these
problems in a single state, the key is to remember them as you step
into your next romantic partnership.
Perhaps the term “going steady” stopped with our
parents’ generation because a linguist discovered that, more
often than not, there’s nothing steady about one’s
reasoning skills when engulfed in a serious relationship.
These days, couples are “together.” So unfold your
psychological yoga mat and concentrate on increasing your
flexibility by opening your relationship chakras. Focus your
energy, chi and mojo on arriving at a point of mental and emotional
togetherness. And always keep a single friend on speed dial for
those occasional unsteady moments.
Bonos is the 2003-2004 copy chief and happens not to be
currently intoxicated by a relationship. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu for sobering advice. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.