As the new year spurs thoughts of qualities we want to change
about ourselves and what we can do to make ourselves happier,
finding or improving love relationships is often near the top of
the list. But if you’re currently “missing” a
relationship in your life and have decided to go about finding one,
I’ve got some advice: Don’t go looking. Although it may
seem the obvious step to take, it isn’t always the best way
to find that perfect relationship.
Still looking for the matching sock you hand-carried to the
washing machine? What about the hat that’s been missing since
Thanksgiving? Or the half-finished book you haven’t seen
since summer? I’ll bet if you stop searching you’ll
find exactly what you’re looking for.
Do you ever wonder why misplaced items appear days, weeks or
just mere minutes after you’ve stopped the hard-core
hunt?
It may be cliche, but it’s true: A watched pot never
boils. In the same vein, a watched crush or infatuation hardly ever
reaches relationship temperature if you let the pursuit consume
you.
Pulling yourself down from high-gear “I’m looking
for a significant other” mode may be a bit counterintuitive,
but the method is simple and extremely successful.
Just as animals can smell fear (I’m scared of dogs and
I’m pretty sure every canine I’ve encountered has
sensed this as well), those being pursued can’t wait to
escape the unappealing odor of eagerness. Nothing turns off a
potential mate more assuredly than first impressions punctuated
with on-the-prowl vibes.
The secret tool to securing the perfect catch is to leave your
motives on the shelf. Focus on the moment instead of concentrating
on the possibility of a future with everyone you meet. Stop
blatantly undressing people with your eyes and actually look at the
individual in front of you. As soon as you relent from relying on
moves, pick-up lines and other tactics that communicate
you’re looking for love, love ““ or at least a date
““ will find you.
A message to all those non-believers out there: I, too,
didn’t always have faith the low-key approach would work. I
remember discussing a crush/mini-relationship gone awry during fall
quarter of my freshman year with my RA. He urged me to calm down
and stop looking so hard for what I wanted. I thought he was crazy,
and I just didn’t want to hear it.
I told him all I was ever looking for was a long-term
relationship but all I got were short-lived flings and boys who
didn’t care to commit. His response was that I needed to
relax and I’d eventually find myself in a long-term
relationship. He’d never been searching for a serious
relationship, yet always found himself in one.
Like most good ideas ““ especially those with which you
disagree ““ it often takes a while to see the light.
Accordingly, it took me a few months to unconsciously follow my
RA’s advice.
After another short mini-relationship in the winter, I started
spring quarter with the mind-set that it was too late in the year
to find myself in a real relationship because summer was bound to
tear anything apart, and I didn’t anticipate meeting anyone
wonderful in the coming 10 weeks.
However, just as my RA had advised, when I finally reached this
Zen place of being one with my single status, a meaningful
relationship caught me off guard. After giving my heart’s
searchlights a much-needed vacation ““ and thus finding what I
had stopped looking for ““ I realized the true wisdom of his
words.
I may not be your resident adviser, but as The Bruin’s
dating columnist in residence, I hereby enthusiastically echo my
RA’s sentiments.
This year, make sure your new year’s resolutions include a
clause stipulating that you slow down and stop looking. You can
meet potential mates or dates anywhere ““ at a bar or a party,
in the library, in class, at the supermarket or on a plane ““
but the key is not to enter every situation as if the person
you’re talking to or sitting next to at this very moment is
“the one.”
Jump into 2004 with a reformed, relaxed attitude and
you’re more likely to find your luck will change for the
better. It’s better odds than Vegas, baby. I’ll even
offer a money-back-guarantee on this tactic. That way, we both win
““ seeing as the Daily Bruin is free.
I assume you’re less maniacal ““ and less of a player
““ than Shakespeare’s King Richard III, yet if you find
yourself asking: “Was ever woman (or man) in this humour
woo’d? Was ever woman (or man) in this humour won?” I
offer you an emphatic yes.
And don’t forget, as long as you can deliver them
effortlessly, having some poetic words on file for wooing in any
situation can only increase your success rate.
Bonos gave her number to a cute guy at Maloney’s on
Monday night but didn’t expect him to call. Proving her
theory correct, he had already dialed the digits by Tuesday
afternoon. Bonos is the 2003-2004 copy chief. E-mail her at
lbonos@media.ucla.edu.