Sometime around the age of 13, when a combination of societal
expectation and hormonal fluctuation so decrees, trick-or-treating
on Halloween ends.
Disapproving neighbors accuse you of being “too old”
to beg for candy. Your parents encourage you to have a few friends
over instead of ringing doorbells. Dressing up as a witch or
Superman, finally starts to feel embarrassing.
Then comes high school, and the terrible, in-between years of
Halloween celebration. Shut out of the black-market candy trade but
unable to throw a serious party, teenagers wade through a sea of
empty, listless Halloween nights sublimated by subpar haunted
houses and the passing out of candy to their younger, luckier
counterparts. The holiday begins to lose its charm, another
depressing indication that growing up just ain’t all
it’s cracked up to be.
Now, at the onset of full-fledged adulthood, Halloween holds a
new dilemma. Freed from the shackles of adolescent shame, costumes
are back, and back with a vengeance. Not only do you have to come
up with something cool and original to wear, you’re also
expected to look appealing to the opposite sex.
For men, the problem is less complicated. Just wear something
fuzzy, or at the very least something clever yet comfortable, and
girls will want to touch you.
For women, it really comes down to where you stand along the
great slutty outfit divide. For many of us, Halloween is an annual
excuse to get our skank on. French maid outfits do nicely, or
there’s the sexy devil girl, or the sexy female cop, or the
industry-standard sexy nurse. But if you fail to buy in to the
holiday’s innate cleavage requirement, Halloween can be a
cruel mistress, a time filled with fear, anxiety and
disappointment. Just like high school.
Luckily, life as a grown-up means we have far more choices than
we used to, Halloween night included. Instead of putting on a
costume, you take a cheesy tour of haunted Hollywood landmarks. For
girls who want to dress up but don’t want to get hit on, the
West Hollywood Halloween Costume Carnaval is probably your best
bet. And for those wishing to dress up in the naughtiest outfit
possible and maybe even get a spanking, Bar Sinister could be your
dream come true.
So just what is the answer to the Halloween dilemma? It’s
to remember that even as you race around to costume shops at the
last minute only to settle for a too-small, faded plastic Power
Ranger outfit found in a dusty box in the back room, things could
always be worse. At least this year you don’t have a
curfew.
Mathis still hasn’t decided what to be for Halloween.
E-mail her your last-minute costume ideas at
smathis@media.ucla.edu.