Beer cans of optimistic sports fans are half full

On Saturday I was standing in the Rose Bowl with a few buddies
and watching UCLA defeat Arizona State. One of my buddies in
particular is a pessimist of the utmost sort.

He takes one sip of a full beer and the can is half
empty. He hates rainbows because they are a result of rain. In
fact, the only thing he’s positive about is his pessimism,
which he nurtures with the loving care of a grandmother.

I, on the other hand, am an optimist. As you can imagine, this
difference led to hysterical and often infuriating conversation
about the goings-on at the Rose Bowl over the weekend.

The following is an abridged version of our conversation, with a
bit of embellishment. I leave it up to you, sports fans, to decide
with which kind of fan you most closely associate.

Pessimist: I swear these seats get closer and closer together
each time we come to a game.

Me: That’s good; it encourages the students to stand
up.

Pessimist: Then my legs cramp up. Whatever, it’s about
time Karl Dorrell started Matt Moore; I’ve been saying he
should start since week three.

Me: Sure pal. Did you ever think that maybe there’s a
reason Dorrell has spent a good portion of his life coaching
well-established football programs? He probably knows what
he’s doing.

Pessimist: Yeah, well, he shoulda started Moore against
Oklahoma.

Me: Oh, I get it. Maybe then Antonio Perkins wouldn’t have
returned those punts.

Pessimist: Was that sarcasm?

Me: Never mind. You want some frozen lemonade?

Pessimist: No, it’s too cold.

Me: You’re cold?

Pessimist: No, the frozen lemonade itself is too cold.

Me: It’s frozen. It’s supposed to be cold.

Pessimist: Shut up. Who are you to judge?

Me: OK, then do you want some hot chocolate?

Pessimist: Nah. 

Me: Lemme guess, too hot?

Pessimist: Yep.

(Moore is hit as he throws, resulting in his second
interception.)

Pessimist: C’mon Moore! You’re a bum! Get
him outta there!

Me: Weren’t you just saying he should have started
long ago?

Pessimist: That was before today. That’s two
picks!

Me: He did get hit from behind as he threw, you know.

Pessimist: He’s got to be aware of that. A good
quarterback knows where everyone is at all times.

Me: So a good quarterback doesn’t get sacked.

Pessimist: Right. 

Me: Maurice Drew is having a great game, huh?

Pessimist: He’s only in because Manny White is
hurt. Plus, Tyler Ebell came out the same way last
year. Now look at him.

Me: Yeah, he’s still a good player.

Pessimist: No, he’s not. And Drew is going to be a
washout, too. 

Me: Do you like anything about our team?

Pessimist: I like it when we win by at least 28 points
while committing no turnovers, playing in 74 degree weather with no
direct sunlight, while I eat turkey and cheese sandwiches with no
pickles and sip room-temperature lemonade from the comfort of a
spacious seat, without coaching blunders or quarterback
miscues.

Me: Would you like fries with that?

Pessimist: No. They’re too fattening.

(The PA makes a mistake while announcing a name.)

Pessimist: Even our PA sucks.

Me: He’s human and makes mistakes, just like everyone
else.

Pessimist: Everyone sucks.

Me: Yeah, including some of our fans.

Pessimist (totally oblivious): Yeah, I know. I can’t
believe we agree on something.

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of
all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is
true.”

““ James Branch Cabell. E-mail Karon at
ekaron@media.ucla.edu.