As I lay down to sleep one night, pondering the plights of Bruin
football, I fell into a deep meditative state. I awoke and found
myself in a tranquil garden, the sound of a Japanese koto playing
lilting lyrical melodies. A figure under a plum tree sat in the
shade, attending to his bansai tree collection. I approached him
with respect, bowing at the waist and asking his name.
His reply: “I am Basho.”
I smiled in appreciation, for I was now speaking to the great
master of haiku, the man that developed the art form to its truest
form in the 17th century.
I informed him of my predicament: What was wrong with the UCLA
football team? Where did it all start to go wrong?
He paused, played a quiet melody on his instrument and responded
thus:
“Perkins runs swiftly,
Like a deer in the crosshairs
Shoot now or he’ll score.”
Apparently, Basho had watched the Oklahoma punt returner destroy
UCLA’s special team’s coverage. Now engaged in
conversation, I decided that I had to make the most out of this
opportunity. A man of such staggeringly insane genius only comes
around once in a blue moon, and surely he would be able to solve
the mystery of the Bruins’ much maligned offense.
Before I got a chance to ask my next question, Basho dropped
this poetic bomb on me:
“Kicking to Dante
Is like playing with matches;
Prepare to be burned.”
Basho was obviously a fan of kick returners. I didn’t
realize they had matches back then. Did he think that the Chiefs
were headed to the Super Bowl? More importantly, how did he manage
to stay current considering he died 400 years ago?
“DirecTV.”
Oh. The shogun must be quite a football fan. But tell me, Master
Basho, what is the key to a successful football team?
“Quarterbacks need help,
The running game must improve.
Defense is solid.”
Tell me something I don’t know. What happened to Tyler
Ebell? Shouldn’t this be his season to rush for 1,000
yards?
“Mighty Mouse is quick,
But his size is a problem.
Run outside tackles.”
Aha. Rushing him straight up the middle certainly isn’t
working. A roll out, or option play, may be exactly what UCLA
needs. If the Bruins can get things going on the ground, that
should open it up for the receivers. But can Olson deliver the ball
where it needs to be?
“Olson looks like Paus:
Good instincts, not enough arm.
Hope Moore returns soon.”
Basho, you obviously follow the team very closely. Have you
always been a Bruin fan?
“I’m a figment of your imagination. You
decide.”
Then, I’m guessing you were.
“Cool.”
What about the home field advantage? The fans sit on their hands
and stay silent for the most part. How can the team get going when
the Rose Bowl stays silent?
“I am often silent. Nothing wrong with
meditating.”
At a football game?
“If they score, they will cheer. Wait, I am pondering
something. I feel a haiku coming on.”
“Touchdowns, excitement.
Long passes are dramatic,
Like a heron’s leg.”
I don’t quite follow the allusion.
“Perhaps Yao can explain it.”
At that moment, Yao Ming came strolling in, looking perfectly at
ease despite being fully three feet taller than the largest
tree.
“This place is very peaceful. I feel like the farmer of a
rice paddy after the inundation. I will slumber in the shade of my
own reflection.”
At the very moment Yao’s massive head touched the
carefully raked sand of the Zen garden, I woke up. I felt
enlightened, in both football and life, ready to take on the
challenges of my day. But most of all, I was just really
confused.
I wonder how the football team feels.
Colin had a spicy tuna hand roll before going to sleep.
E-mail him at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.