This summer, I grappled with the direction of my writing,
determined to push things forward. My internalized struggle was a
gut check ““ it’s time to put down the Pop Rocks and RC
Cola, take off my Von Dutch hat, mute Fear Factor, and deal with my
artistic burden. In this sense, I empathize with ““ no, I
understand the plight of Karl Marx. In 1845 Marx and Friederich
Engels set out to write “The German Ideology.”
I can just picture the scene when they finally decided to pursue
their hideously fabulous tome: There they are, wearing those
old-fashioned powdered wigs and leggings like George Washington
wore, picking at some leftover aspic and grunting along in their
Eastern European weightiness over bowls of borscht and goat’s
milk.
“We gotta do this for the people, man,” said Marx,
as he wiped one of those cute little milk mustaches away with his
shirtsleeve while Engels giggled sheepishly from across the
candlelit café table.
Similarly, it is my duty to the proletariat to give readers a
recap of the sports events of this past summer because I know all
of you were watching “The O.C” instead of reading the
sports section of your local newspaper. (Oh gosh. What a cheap stab
at humor that “O.C.” reference was. How
déclassé!) To spice things up, I asked my landlord, Karen
Bruderlin, to provide us with some running commentary on these news
events.
“You guys are good tenants,” Bruderlin said.
In addition to Karen, I turned to Kathy, a sales consultant at
Clubs of America, an Illinois-based company, which sells membership
to exclusive clubs like the Fruit of the Month Club and the Beer of
the Month Club. I phoned Clubs of America (1-800-CLUB-USA) and
before I could get down to business with Kathy, I had bought a
membership to the Flower of the Month Club. When Kathy got tired of
me, I dialed zero for an operator’s opinion on these sports
stories:
1. Kobe Bryant is accused of rape and a media frenzy
ensues.
DM: It was kind of a bummer when I found out Bryant will no
longer be endorsing Nutella, as per the company’s decision. I
love Nutella. It is kind of enigmatic like Marlon Brando or
Stonehenge because it is a spread that is often applied to bread,
creating a chocolate sandwich. A chocolate sandwich?! That is a
4-year-old’s ultimate culinary fantasy, akin to my lust for
sweet breads. In fact, I bet at least four “Rugrats”
plot arcs have involved Tommy’s try at making a chocolate
sandwich.
Karen: My daughter went to Florence for a year, and she raved
about Nutella when she came back. She got home on Dec. 21, and it
was hard to find Nutella for some reason at that time. I finally
found it at that stupid little Italian shop in Culver City. I
thought I had done something sweet for my daughter. But, I opened
it and smelled it, and I thought it was awful. I think it is
wonderful that Kobe no longer endorses Nutella because it is a
terrible product. I love Kobe, unless of course he raped that girl.
Nutella is as good as aspic.
Kathy: I am aware of that situation, but I really have no
opinion on it. It’s a bad deal for everybody.
Operator: Have a good night, sir. (She said that after I told
her about my column, thus ending our dialogue.)
2. In heavyweight boxing news, Lennox Lewis barely
defeats Vitaly Klitschko.
DM: I heard Klitschko’s cut over his eye was gross, and I
probably would have barfed had I seen it.
Karen: Boxing is brutal and awful.
Kathy: I am not aware of that event.
3. UCLA hosts the Mercedes Benz Cup and Wayne Ferreira
wins the tennis tournament.
DM: Oh man. While on assignment at the tournament, I helped
myself to so much Red Bull and Odwalla juice from the fridge in the
pressroom. What a spread.
Kathy: I am not aware of that event either.
On a personal note, this summer I read a few books, worked, and
went to Washington D.C. for the first time; which brings me back to
my earlier allusions to George Washington, the Communist Manifesto
and savory meat jelly.
Miller has a PayPal account linked to
dmiller@media.ucla.edu. E-mail him or give him money.