This past Sunday, HBO changed the world; or at least its
marketing department convinced me it did.
With an old episode of “The Sopranos” leading into
the summer season finale of “Sex and the City” and
series premieres of “Carnivà le” and “K
Street,” the premium cable network redefined must-see TV,
largely through its aggressive (to put it modestly) ad campaign.
Even if you don’t have HBO, surely you saw the two full-page
ads in The New York Times. One was in color. The other was on the
very next page.
However, such a small-scale example doesn’t come close to
describing the arrogant genius of HBO’s marketing department.
That requires an in-depth description of the minutes preceding
HBO’s big night:
7:49 p.m. ““ I turn on my television, ready for “The
Sopranos,” but more interested in the other shows coming up,
especially “Carnivà le,” the mystical,
Depression-era dust-bowl drama for which HBO started showing
commercials probably around 1934. I can’t wait. Or have the
weird commercials airing constantly brainwashed me into thinking I
can’t wait?
7:50 p.m. ““ Something looks strangely unusual right now.
Oh, wait; it’s just the movie credits drifting up the screen.
HBO still shows movies? How quaint.
7:51 p.m. ““ What movie is this? I’m trying to figure
it out by the music and the credits, but the name of the second
assistant sound editor isn’t helping.
7:52 p.m. ““Â The credits end, revealing the
film’s title: “And Starring Pancho Villa As
Himself.” (Is that how they do the Larry David show?) Phew.
At least it’s a movie HBO made. There are eight minutes until
“The Sopranos” starts. I wonder how many ads the
network can squeeze in.
7:53 p.m. ““ Another HBO movie, “Real Women Have
Curves,” leads it off, followed by a short graphic reminding
me that “The Sopranos” is coming up next. A light
start. I know they can do better than that.
7:54 p.m. ““ The first “Carnivà le” ad of
the night airs, but it’s not the big one that runs through
all the characters. The fact that this upsets me, upsets me.
7:55 p.m. ““ A quick promo for “Road to
Perdition” flies across the screen, the only commercial for
something HBO didn’t make to air all night. Does anyone
remember the time when people watched HBO for the movies?
The way the network has transformed itself from a movie channel
into the artistic juggernaut of television is rivaled only by the
U.S. government’s transforming of Osama bin Laden into Saddam
Hussein.
7:56 p.m. ““ I guess HBO has a new motto. Following a
montage of some HBO stars holding Emmys, the words “Sunday is
“¦ HBO” appear on the screen. Soon to be horribly
overused, it replaces the worn-out motto, “It’s not TV.
It’s HBO.” My dad makes the first “Who are the ad
wizards that came up with that one?” joke of the night.
7:57 p.m. ““ In case you’ve been living without HBO
for the past few months or just got it in the last five minutes,
the network wants to remind you that Meryl Streep is starring in a
new HBO miniseries of “Angels in America,” directed by
Mike Nichols. I read recently it cost about $80 million to make the
miniseries. If HBO had to pay for ad time on its own network, the
number would easily be doubled.
7:58 p.m. ““ There it is: the big
“Carnivà le” ad I’ve been waiting for. Again,
the fact that I’m excited upsets me.
7:59 p.m. ““ Apparently both “The Sopranos” and
“Sex and the City” each have 13 Emmy nominations. Good
to know.
8:00 p.m. ““ “The Sopranos” starts, in
widescreen (as all HBO dramas are now). Any movie on HBO is in
fullscreen, letterbox format. Is there anything more pretentious
than showing a TV show in widescreen, but chopping films to show
them fullscreen? Other than complaining about said practice, that
is? Let’s move on, as it is a rerun.
8:59 p.m. ““ Immediately following “The
Sopranos,” another ad for “Angels in America”
comes on. (See 7:57 p.m. entry for punch line.) If this sounds
repetitive, believe me, so does the commercial. I make the second
“Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?”
joke of the night.
9:00 p.m. ““ “Sex and the City” starts, kicking
off HBO’s big night, except that anyone who lives on the east
coast or has digital cable has already seen this. I can’t
tell if I’m more jealous they’ve already seen it or
excited that I’m about to.
9:10 p.m. ““ Hey, how about that? Charlotte’s
pregnant.
9:12 p.m. ““ No, wait, there was a miscarriage. I feel like
I’ve seen this before, but I’m still watching. Damn
you, HBO marketing. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that
one?