Think it’s tough to hit a free throw that could cost your
team the game? Think there is an extraordinarily daunting amount of
difficulty in hitting a 90-mph fastball that moves like a salsa
dancer? Think that it might be a bit tricky to dodge a 220-pound
linebacker who is curious about what the inside of your torso looks
like? Try it with section 12 in your dome.
Contained in each sport are high-pressure situations. As fans,
it is our duty, our responsibility to make the pressure so
insurmountable that even Atlas would be left with the shakes.
Heckling at sporting events is how this is accomplished.
Heckling is the root canal of home-field advantage ““
unpleasant but necessary. It is the responsibility of at least one
moderately intoxicated fan at each sporting event to give his team
the best chance to win, and taking into consideration that most of
us are about as useless in competitive athletic situations as a
snorkel in a gunfight, it is only through tormenting the opposition
that we can do our part.
Heckling is a delicate art; it is easy to make a fool out of
yourself, but if it is done properly, a good heckler can give an
opposing athlete nightmares and a cold sweat. So for those of you
who are daring enough to afflict your team’s opponents, for
those of you who are funny enough to make your jeers entertaining
to those around you, and for those of you who are witty enough to
heckle properly, I give you a few rules of heckling.
1. There are lines you should never cross. The best hecklers can
get into a player’s head and work from there, but there are
certain things that should never be mentioned. The rule of thumb is
that if the player was not responsible for the tragedy in his life,
the topic is off limits. If there was a death in the player’s
family, lay off. When then-Arizona Wildcat Steve Kerr’s
father was assassinated by terrorists in Beirut in 1988, Arizona
State fans chanted “P-L-O” during the rivalry game.
Definitely over the line. If a player is injured, keep your mouth
shut while he is down. If he gets up and continues to play, it is
fair to let him know that your little sister is tougher than he is,
but if he gets carted off in a stretcher, keep your mouth shut.
Never add insult to injury.
2. There are some lines you must always cross. Remember, if a
player is responsible for what you are making fun of (i.e. an
arrest or anything else that could have been avoided), then the
topic is fair game. If a player is facing legal trouble, point out
that “you would cover him better if he was a 19-year-old
concierge!” or “why couldn’t you run that fast
when the cops were chasing you?” If an umpire is overweight,
it is fair game to yell “Move around ump, ye’re
killin’ the grass!” If the topic of your jeers is the
fault of the athlete, be relentless.
3. Be careful. It is important to remember the athletes you are
heckling are often built like Mr. Olympia ““ some may even be
former Mr. Olympias ““ so be careful. It is always good to
make sure you have a physical barrier between you and the steadily
enraging topic of your jeers. Most of these guys wouldn’t
have any qualms about turning you into six feet of bumps and
bruises, so keep a safe distance and be ready to make a quick exit
if necessary.
4. Be clever. This is by far the most important rule of
heckling. The job of a heckler is to get inside an athlete’s
head while making a fool of himself as necessary. If you are
failing at the former, then you are most likely succeeding
beautifully at the latter. It does no good to yell,
“C’mon man, learn how to ref” at an intramural
basketball game. Such incredibly inane comments are expected only
from those fans whose IQ only sometimes rivals room temperature.
This is UCLA, one of California’s foremost public schools.
Most of us should have more wit than it takes to yell: “What,
are you blind?” at a volunteer ref. Instead, strive to be
clever, witty and intelligent in your heckling.
You have an important job to do.
Do it well.
Graham-Caso really isn’t that witty. E-mail him at
dgrahamcaso@media.ucla.edu.