Every so often I’ll hear an announcer who paints such a
vivid verbal picture that it puts me in the midst of the
action.
And then there’s Jennie Finch. Her shrill voice is enough
to send me scrambling for the mute button.
Finch ““ a former All-American pitcher at Arizona and
ESPN.com’s reigning Hottest Female Athlete of 2003 ““
yes she’s even hotter than Anna Kournikova ““ has traded
in her glove for a microphone. She is ESPN’s lead analyst at
this year’s Softball World Series in what amounts to little
more than a publicity stunt for the network.
The pitcher-turned-pin-up was in the broadcast booth Sunday for
UCLA’s thrilling semifinal victory over Texas, and I decided
to keep a diary of the unintentional hilarity. Here’s what
transpired.
7:22 p.m. ““ Finch and her partner in the broadcast booth,
Beth Mowins, welcome us to Oklahoma City for the fourth semifinal
game of the day. For those keeping score, this is Finch’s
first appearance on camera tonight. You can bet it won’t be
the last.
7:27 p.m. ““ Texas strikes first when Chez Sievers lines a
single up the middle, plating teammate Lyndsay Gardner and sending
the pro-Longhorn crowd into a state of euphoria. Only in an
offensively challenged sport like softball could a 1-0 first inning
lead spell disaster.
7:31 p.m. ““ As UCLA’s Natasha Watley steps to the
plate to lead off the bottom of the first, Finch ““ ever a
wordsmith ““ eloquently comments on the potency of the Bruin
lineup. “They’re powerful. They’ve got a lot of
power.” Quite a revelation. Vin Scully she is not.
7:43 p.m. ““ After Texas pitcher Cat Osterman fans
UCLA’s Stephanie Ramos in the second inning, Finch jokes that
the Longhorn hurler should start spelling her first name with a
“K” ““ at least I think she was joking.
Incidentally, Osterman looks like an unkempt Katie Holmes. If
you cut her hair, slapped on some make-up, and provided a couple of
whiny snot-nosed 19-year-olds to fight over her, the WB would offer
her a sitcom for sure.
7:59 p.m. ““ It’s been well over four minutes since
Finch has had any face-time on camera.
8:01 p.m. ““ Phew. There she is.
8:18 p.m. ““ UCLA pitcher and 39-game winner Keira Goerl is
well over the 300-pitch mark in the past 30 hours, and
miraculously, she’s showing no signs of fatigue. Maybe
there’s some sort of muscle-building agent in that mint gum
she’s always chomping on, but I’m still surprised her
arm doesn’t fly off every time she winds up to pitch.
8:41 p.m. ““ Mowins uses the word “vernacular”
in a sentence, undoubtedly sending Finch running for a dictionary.
Earlier in the day Mowins referred to her as a “good number
cruncher” after she successfully figured that 28 divided by
14 equalled two. That’s Stat Geek material. Good to see that
Arizona communications degree is being put to good use.
9:18 p.m. ““ We’re heading to the top of the seventh
inning, and no one has scored in nearly two hours. Good thing Finch
can carry the broadcast with her witty banter. “Lisa
Fernandez is an amazingly great hitter,” Finch exclaims
during a conversation about the former UCLA great. In an office
building in Bristol, ESPN executives are cringing.
9:39 p.m. ““ It’s the bottom of the seventh. Time to
break out the rally caps, err, rally visors.
9:45 p.m. ““ UCLA has a runner on second with two outs, and
my friend and I are actually debating whether or not Osterman
should intentionally walk Watley or not. There has been way too
much softball in my life for the past two hours.
9:46 p.m. ““ I knew she should have walked her. Watley rips
a single up the middle, tying the game. Moments later freshman
Caitlin Benyi wins the game for the Bruins with a single to right
field.
Looks like this Cat just used up the last of her nine lives.