Apply online to help coach ‘SC football

Extra, extra, read all about it! USC to consider hiring new
assistant football coach!

I invite you to join me, sports fans, as I make my second foray
into teaching spoiled kids how to play football.

You see, it seems the ad wizards over at ‘SC have decided
to place an application for a new assistant football coach online.
That’s right, sports fans: Anyone can apply. Boys, girls,
moms, dads, potheads and alcoholics are welcomed. Come one, come
all! Apply online today at:
http://www.usc.edu/bus-affairs/ers/jobs/14514.html

To serve as a barometer of where you all stand in the highly
competitive race for this glorious position, allow me to present to
you some of the finer points of the application. The job
description is pretty much just holding Pete Carroll’s jock,
but if you want to make it as a big-time college coach, you have to
start somewhere.

They don’t actually call it “holding Pete’s
jock,” they call it “support duties.” One part
reads:

“Seeking an individual to perform various support duties
for the Head Men’s Football Coach “¦ These duties will
require an expert level of knowledge and a high level of skill in
the sport of football.”

I, of course, have the upper hand in this aspect of the
position.

With more than three weeks’ experience coaching
eighth-grade flag football for a school that rhymes with St.
Batthew’s located in the Pacific Palisades, experience is my
middle name.

When I was in high school, I won the Super Bowl with every
single NFL team in Madden ’94 on Sega Genesis.

Even the Cincinnati Bengals.

I have been playing intramural flag football for three years
now, and in high school I even considered going out for the team.
Unfortunately my head was too small to fit in any of the helmets,
so my dream was left unfulfilled.

With that in mind, I entered the applicant pool.

You never know.

Another portion of the application states:
“Bachelor’s degree preferred.”

This magical piece of parchment that many USC athletes will
never earn does not reside on my wall.

But that magical little word, “preferred,”
epitomizes the difference between the standards across town and
those in Westwood. I graduated from bartending school. If you ask
me, that’s the next best thing to a bachelor’s degree,
and something tells me they won’t know the difference over at
‘SC.

The application process is lengthy, but with a well-rounded
resume and stunning references, I think I just might have a shot at
this thing. I’m sure the athletic director at “St.
Batthew’s” will speak to the university on my behalf.
If not, I can always tell them that I coached against Casey
Clausen’s little brother.

Yes, he scorched us for 54 points, but I wasn’t the
defensive backs coach now, was I?

Come to think of it, if I actually get the job, there might be a
slight conflict of interest. After all, I would be coaching for USC
while attending UCLA and writing for the Daily Bruin. But imagine
the insider information I could scrounge up as a scout for USC

One of the final steps before completing the application was
agreeing to a list of disclaimers.

One provision read: “In consideration of my employment, I
agree to conform to the rules and standards of USC and agree that
my employment and compensation can be terminated at will, with or
without cause, and with or without notice, at any time, either at
my option or at the option of USC.”

Whoa, hold on … USC has standards? What kind of standards are
we talking about here?

I’ve been “terminated” before, further proving
my experience. If they are trying to scare me off, they’re
barking up the wrong tree.

I’m getting that job, damnit.

Why are taglines always written in the third person? E-mail
Karon at ekaron@media.ucla.edu.

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