OK sports fans, so I finally bring you a “Dear Eli”
column and only one of you writes with questions you want answered.
One person! This either means you already know all there is to know
about sports, or you realized that I don’t know anything. But
I was in Texas this weekend, and after hanging out with volleyball
players and swimmers, I am much more enlightened. You see, it turns
out the athletes in Texas are brilliant ““ who would have
thought? In actuality I got two e-mails, but one was from a USC
fan, which I have to answer because I am strapped for material.
Without further ado, here it goes.
Dear Eli, “¢bull; In football: What is up with the tight end?
Does that imply that all other players are loose ends? And must
you, in fact, possess a “tight end” to qualify for the
position? “¢bull; In baseball: Shouldn’t stadiums be standard
size for home run records to count? “¢bull; In golf: you have
eagles, birdies and pars. Exactly what type of fowl is a par?
Sincerely, Tanya
Tanya ““ In response to your questions, I thank you for
writing. Your first question is puzzling though. This is the Daily
Bruin, not Maxim or Cosmopolitan. I appreciate you trying to relate
your questions to the wide world of sports, but I cannot really
answer sexual questions in this column. No, baseball stadiums
shouldn’t be standard sized for home runs to count.
That’s just boring. Fenway’s Green Monster, Yankee
Stadium’s right field porch and Wrigley Field’s
ivy-covered wall would all cease to exist should your suggestion be
a reality. The very soul of baseball lies in its parks, and nobody
can take that away. But it does seem unfair that Jason Giambi can
hit a pop-up and get a free trip around the bases, so I see where
you’re coming from. I really like your golf question. This is
something many people wonder, but few people know. Luckily for you,
my old baseball coach is an ornithologist. The par is a distant
relative of the penguin. It resides only in the coldest regions of
Greenland, and is a remarkably average bird. It is white and black,
instead of black and white, eats snow for all its nutrients and
only flies when endangered. The name “par” is a golf
term because legend has it the golfer who carries a par’s
beak in his/her golf shoes will shoot the best round of his/her
life. Again, thanks for being the only UCLA person to ask me
questions.
And now, a question from a USC mother about the recruiting war
between UCLA and USC:
Deer Eli Karon, How does UCLA expect to win the recrooting war
when USC is sirownded by such a buttiful neyberhood, has a grate
akademmic program and is more richer than UCLA? Sincerely, Dearest
USC Mother
Dear DUM- First of all, the USC campus is the real-life set of
the movie “Training Day,” and I heard “Boyz N the
Hood” was about three USC freshmen who were trying to get to
the “9-0″ on a Wednesday night. Secondly, anybody being
recruited out of high school already has a high school education,
so why would they want to go to USC? Our whole point about
academics is not really valid here. Finally, maybe you guys can get
a new song with all that money you have. You do realize your band
just plays the same song over and over again, right? I feel like
everyone at USC is taking crazy pills or something. So, the next
time you see Deebo, say hi for me. Sincerely, Eli Karon