Scandal is the soup-du-jour of college sports right now, and it
tastes “Mmm mmm good!”
Former Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy and ex-Alabama
football coach Mike Price are just the last two in a long line of
coaches sent packing for extracurricular activities deemed
inappropriate by the powers that be.
But these aren’t your normal,
run-of-the-illegally-acquired-SUV scandals. Both Eustachy and Price
were fired for doing things that 99 percent of the red-blooded
American male population does all the time: getting wasted and
looking for some booty.
Athletic departments shouldn’t have to play the role of
morality police. They have a hard enough time making sure their
athletes aren’t majoring in “Sports Literature”
or perhaps, “Breathing.”
In any case, everyone should want a coach that knows how to cut
loose and have a good time.
It’s hard to jest about men who have just joined the
unemployment line. Alright, it isn’t that hard. But in all
fairness, let these men be human; they haven’t done anything
illegal. Considering the stress involved in a Division I coaching
job, I’m shocked that more coaches don’t look like
Nicolas Cage from “Leaving Las Vegas.”
Eustachy surely has to be a few screws short of a hardware store
if he lets himself be photographed while trashed, smooching
sorority girls. But hey, who hasn’t been there at least once,
right?
And as for Mike Price, I would think that the good ol’
boys down in ‘bama would be proud of a head coach that knows
how to get down. Apparently, Price was too drunk to even remember
any of the events.
So put yourself in his shoes: you wake up next to a stripper
named Destiny with a massive hangover and no recollection of the
preceeding night’s events. It sounds to me like he was just
letting the Tide roll: “It’s rolling baby, it’s
rolling!”
Oh man, if I only had a dollar for every time that has happened
to me.
Jim Harrick had some shady dealings down in Georgia and was
fired for it. That’s all well and good: nobody wants a coach
who gets NCAA violations like they’re parking tickets. UCLA
was savvy enough to ship him out before all his crooked moves were
exposed and could tarnish the program. But what does Iowa State or
Alabama really accomplish by ridding themselves of Eustachy and
Price?
“Destiny’s child” took his Wazzu teams to a
couple of Rose Bowls, and “Eu-gottabekiddingme-stachy”
went to the Elite Eight. Throwing down a bunch of Natty Ice and
trying to pinch some tail doesn’t make you a bad coach. Does
it make you a bad person?
Hit it, Billy Joel: “I’d rather laugh with the
sinners than cry with the saints/you know the sinners are just more
fun/Only the good die young.”
Besides, what else could you possibly be doing in places like
Iowa or Alabama? I know I’m showing blatant regionalism here,
but if I were stuck in Iowa, you’d best believe that beer and
fine-looking females would be very high on my “To Do”
list.
If coaches were role models, then Ron Artest would have gone to
Indiana, hooked up with Bobby Knight, and they’d both be in
jail for the murders of Tom Izzo and the entire Michigan State
basketball team.
If coaches aren’t allowed to cut loose, then certainly
their players shouldn’t be either, especially underage
freshman and sophomores. Luckily, such things don’t occur
here at squeaky-clean UCLA.
After all, it’s not like Price or Eustachy were out
drinking with their own players ““ now that’s just
intolerable. How could you look a player in the eye the next
morning if you were busy holding his head back while he worshipped
a porcelain god the night before?
Don’t discriminate against strippers and the men who love
them. Exotic dancers and booze are the glue that holds this great
country together. Without these twin pillars of institution, our
nation would be a stale place to live. Scandal is oh-so-very-tasty,
and are you not entertained?
After years of making the Tigers look good, Daily Bruin softball
is 2-1! E-mail your congratulations to Colin at
cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.