What’s more exciting than watching paint dry, and only
slightly less thrilling than the upcoming series between the Devil
Rays and Orioles?
How about the conference championships for women’s water
polo, the NCAA tournament for gymnastics, Pac-10 tournaments for
golf and individual player tournaments for tennis?
All this excitement in just one weekend! How could you possibly
ask for more? The enthusiasm on campus is totally palpable.
Surely, I know you will be there. Me? Well I have midterms, and
papers, and, well, the NBA playoffs are on, so count me out. You
should go though ““ really. Playoffs are the time of year when
these teams have their fan base double (i.e. both their mothers AND
fathers show up to watch).
Just take a look at these amazing storylines, and be convinced
of their merit.
Women’s polo may be ranked No. 1 overall, but I give them
about as much of a chance as Andre Patterson winning the National
Spelling Bee. They’re going to have to play the Cardinal in
Stanford, a team that gives head coach Adam Krikorian cold sweats
and nightmares. In all seriousness, I wonder if a ghostly
apparition of Brenda Villa comes to haunt Krikorian in the night.
Really, there isn’t much to say about women’s water
polo, except this truism: UCLA great, Stanford better.
Gymnastics may feature the greatest collection of talent UCLA
has ever, uh, collected, but the “choker” label can be
a hard one to shake off. They essentially form the roster of the
U.S. Olympic team, so you’d think this whole college deal is
a mere warmup to the main event.
Jamie Dantzscher may be a 10 on “hotornot.com,” but
she rates a 1 (won in 2001) on the scale of championships. I hate
to put the pressure on my diminutive little friends, but the Stat
Geek is eagerly calculating the “choke factor” of
another postseason UCLA gymnastics flop. Believe me, the numbers
haven’t been this bad since the XFL set TV ratings records
for all-time awfulness.
The Pac-10 conference title is on the line for men’s and
women’s golf. Both teams are pretty good, and have an outside
shot at winning.
Not to take the wind out of their sails, but Tiger Woods will
not be attending or playing at these events, so that reduces the
possible amount of fans that can show up to three. Although I hear
2003 Masters champion Mike Weir is going to be there; if you can
recognize him, make sure to ask him how it feels to steal
Tiger’s green jacket. Then rip it off his back and run
screaming into the hills.
The Pac-10 tennis tournament is being held in Ojai. There are
only three things you need to know about this. First, that the
men’s tennis team is very good but hardly ever comes through
in the clutch. Second, the women’s team is somewhere between
mediocre and good but lost one of its best players, Sara Walker, to
injury.
Third, and most importantly, that Ojai has got to be one of the
most hideously boring places in the history of all human existence.
I cannot possibly fathom what drew a major tennis tournament to
Ojai, save for perhaps the fact that it hasn’t rained there
since the days when Scott Baio was hip.
Whoever convinced the Pac-10 to hold the tournament there has
got to go down as one of the greatest salespersons ever, right up
there with Bringham Young.
What, you think everyone was just totally stoked when they hit
Salt Lake?
“Aha! We made it. Look around! There’s nothing here,
except a huge lake you can’t drink out of!”
“…You’ve got to be kidding. Can’t we push on
to Las Vegas, please?”
“Trust me people, just go with it.”
Support Bruin Athletics! Unless you have something else better
to do. E-mail Colin at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu