We are a strange lot, sports fans. We wear giant hunks of cheese
and brown paper bags on our heads while cheering topless in subzero
temperatures. The athletes we cheer are equally strange. But
perhaps weirder than both groups is the law enforcement agency that
unofficially governs the sports world.
I’m talking about the Karma Police.
The force in charge of punishing athletes for bad behavior or
performances and rewarding them for the inverse. The Karma Police
are everywhere. You can’t see, you can’t hear them, you
can’t touch them “¦ but they are out there, and if you
have any involvement in athletics, they may be coming for you.
I developed my theory when I was 9 years old, begging for
autographs at the then-California Angels’ spring training
facility in Palm Springs. I will refer to this as Case 1.
The Circumstance: The Angels were facing the Mariners, which
meant that Ken Griffey Jr., the biggest thing to hit Palm Springs
since the swimming pool, would play. Not to brag or anything, but I
was a cute 9 year old. So how could Griffey say no to an innocent
autograph request?
Well he did. The man they call The Kid sprinted into the
clubhouse without signing anything.
The punishment: For denying a nine-year-old an autograph,
Griffey was sentenced to a trade to middle America where he would
struggle to come to grips with his mediocrity.
Griffey has failed to play a complete season since the trade to
the Reds due to numerous injuries to his rapidly aging body. Serves
him right.
And to think, the player believed to have to sweetest swing in
baseball could have evaded the Karma Police with a sharpie and his
John Hancock on my ’89 Upper Deck rookie card.
Speaking of sweet swings, let’s move to Case 2: Tonya
Harding.
The Circumstance: Harding fooled hired goons into thinking Nancy
Kerrigan’s knee was a piñata. Harding has been on the
Karma Police’s “Most Wanted” list since.
The Punishment: Harding has been sentenced to boxing
embarrassment. Samantha Browning beat Harding in her professional
debut by decision.
You think the Karma Police played a role in that one?
And to think, I used to think she was hot.
Speaking of hot, the Bruins were red hot after winning the 1995
NCAA men’s basketball championship. I present to you Case 3:
The Jersey Capers.
The Circumstance: Shortly after claiming an NCAA title, their
first since the Wooden era, UCLA decided to switch jerseys from the
traditional powder blue, white and gold to a curious black and blue
““ the same color as the bruise the Karma Police left on our
program.
The Punishment: The team hasn’t won a championship since,
and UCLA basketball has been mired in controversy, both on and off
the court. Can you say Karma Police?
And to think, I recently saw someone walking around in a red
UCLA sweatshirt. Red! I wanted to puke on them. Disgusting.
Speaking of disgusting, we move to Case 4: The JaRon Rush
saga.
The circumstance: After a decent sophomore season at UCLA, Rush
took off for the fame and fortune of the NBA.
The punishment: The infamy and misfortune of being cut by the
Kansas City Knights, a minor league ABA team. He was arrested for
drunk driving last year, too. That was the real police; the Karma
Police probably tipped them off.
And to think, people have compared him to Latrell Sprewell.
Hmm.
So you see, sports fans, the Karma Police are out there. And no
matter how long it takes them, they will catch up to you. Even if
you have an albino cat name Meca, run track for UCLA, and have an
affinity for Daily Bruin columnists.
Have someone you want to rat out to the Karma Police? E-mail
Karon at ekaron@media.ucla.edu.