Tonight is college basketball’s NCAA Championship game,
and unless you are that girl who has been on vacation in Kansas or
likes the color orange, you had neither Kansas nor Syracuse making
it this far.
So if you’ve been too busy cursing wildly as Marquette or
Butler carved up your bracket, here’s all you need to know
about tonight’s matchup:
“¢bull; Coaching subplot that will be painstakingly overblown
throughout the telecast: The North Carolina soap opera surrounding
Kansas coach Roy Williams. Haven’t we been through this
before? First he’s a Jayhawk, then he’s a Tarheel, now
he’s a Jayhawk ““ make up your mind already Roy. The
guess here is that he’s bound for Chapel Hill, but it’s
a non-issue until after the game.
“¢bull; Coaching subplot that will be blatantly overlooked
throughout the telecast: For a man who’s coached in New York
his entire life, the oft-gnattily-attired Jim Boeheim has got to be
the worst-dressed coach in college basketball. While other coaches
sport the GQ look, Syracuse’s Boeheim apparently prefers GW
““ as in Goodwill.
Then again, Boeheim is in the Final Four for the third time,
while other stylishly attired coaches (ahem Steve Lavin) have not
been quite so lucky.
“¢bull; Best candidate to have a broken-down ’70s vintage
Datsun pick-up truck sitting in his front yard: Kansas guard Kirk
Hinrich in a landslide.
The shaggy-haired Iowa native might have the sweetest jumper in
the tournament, but he looks like he ought to be behind the wheel
of a tractor, not the nation’s most prolific offense. My vote
goes to Hinrich to dethrone the 76ers’ Keith Van Horn as the
poster child for AWDLLA (Athletes Who Don’t Look Like
Athletes). Also nominated: UCLA’s very own Jon Crispin.
“¢bull; Defense that has taken on almost voodoo-like
proportions: Syracuse’s two-three zone.
When the Orangemen held Oklahoma to 20 first-half points in the
East Regional Finals, the Sooner guards appeared completely
befuddled by Boeheim’s zone. Let’s face it.
Eight-year-olds at the YMCA play the two-three.
Since Kansas scores most of its points in transition, the zone
will not be a factor.
“¢bull; Commercials that will have me reaching for my remote to
check the figure skating results on ESPN: Those All State
commercials that show past NCAA Tournament highlights set to
screeching gospel music. If I wanted to feel holy, I’d blast
some “Jingle Bell Rock” on my car stereo and drive by a
church. If I have to watch one more of those commercials my
“good hands” are going to be around one of their ad
executive’s necks.
“¢bull; Moment guaranteed to be more entertaining than anything
in the game itself: Any transition between the stone-faced Dan
Rather and zany commentator Billy Packer.
Now I know war coverage is serious business, but Rather is
almost robotic. I wouldn’t be surprised if the CBS producers
were off camera making funny faces at this guy to see if they could
get him to crack a smile.
Only my friend in sixth grade who refused to smile for a whole
year until she got her braces off had this much will power.
“¢bull; Just plain good: Syracuse’s Carmelo Anthony. After
tallying 33 points and 14 boards on Saturday against Texas, what
will the man many expect to be a top-three pick in the NBA draft do
for an encore?
Who knows, but don’t expect any of the Jayhawks to be able
to stop him. Anthony’s an 18-year-old man-child, and his
talent alone is reason not to count the Orangemen out.
“¢bull; And the winner is: Rock chalk it up. It’s Kansas.
The Jayhawks’ ambiguously white duo of Collison and Hinrich
will prevail, sending thousands of rowdy midwesterners into the
French Quarter to celebrate.
Here’s how I envision it:
“¢bull; 1941: the French recoil in horror as the Germans roll
down the Champs d’Elysses in Soviet-era Volkswagens.
“¢bull; Tonight: the French recoil in horror as Kansas fans roll
down Bourbon Street in Soviet-era Volkswagens.
It’s going to be a night to remember.
Eisenberg got drunk at a party on Friday and lost his phone in
the back of a Soviet-era Volkswagen. E-mail him at
jeisenberg@media.ucla.edu.