Every once in a while, someone comes up with an idea so
completely ridiculous that it must be a joke.
Like in 1987. Can’t you just picture a bunch of Republican
Party bigwigs drinking scotch at a Washington bar, trying to come
up with a vice presidential candidate?
As they’re throwing around names and throwing down drinks,
can’t you imagine one of the GOP brass going, “Hey,
I’ve got one for you boys ““ Dan Quayle!”
You see, the problem with these jokes is that sometimes people
are actually serious about them. That’s how you get the most
ridiculous vice presidential candidate this side of Admiral
Stockdale.
Come on, like I wasn’t going to slip into a political
history digression in my first column back?
Anyway, this is still the Sports section, and yes, I do plan on
talking about the start of intramural softball season, or what I
like to call “Outside of Marriage and the Birth of My First
Child, What will Probably be the Single Best Experience of My
Entire Life.”
So a couple of weeks ago, my buddy starts talking about his plan
to win the A League softball title. He’s a competitive guy,
the kind who wants his team to win so badly that he’ll run
from first base to home plate and step in front of the catcher,
just to make sure the relay throw is caught.
So in the midst of outlining his blueprint and all of us sipping
on some beers (honestly, could these ideas come up anywhere but in
a bar?), he drops this one on us:
Tryouts. For IM softball.
Naturally, we all started laughing. But the laughter died down
when we saw he wasn’t really laughing back at us.
He was serious. IM softball tryouts are this Friday.
Seriously.
Let me make something clear. I am not going to make the team.
I’m basically a poor man’s Tony Phillips: decent arm,
decent bat, probably above-average decision-making.
Not enough to play on my buddy’s A League Dream Team.
Yet, last season, my team, Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders,
won the C League IM softball title.
That, as anyone who’s played IM softball would tell you,
is the beauty of it. And it’s why spring quarter means more
to me than sun, sandals and skimpiness.
It’s probably the one IM sport that’s truly
all-inclusive (don’t believe me? The Stat Geek, a
self-described “slow, fat David Eckstein,” batted
cleanup for the Daily Bruin team last year).
It’s also overwhelmingly the most popular and, in my
opinion, the most fun. Is there a better feeling than coming out of
a Thursday lecture to 80-degree sun and pulling an old, beat-up
glove out of your backpack?
Maybe the feeling you get an hour later when the sun is sinking
behind the mountains, and you and your friends talk about every
at-bat and fly ball on the walk home. Sappy, but great.
It’s the only sport where what flavor of Franzia box wine
you drink can be more important than what brand of bat you use. (In
case you’re wondering, I recommend a chilled White Zinfandel
blush for a smooth flow out of the plastic bag.)
There’s just something about spitting sunflower seeds out
of the side of your mouth while you instruct your friend where you
want the pitch.
(By the way, is there anything more valuable in all of sports
than a good IM softball pitcher? Every time I try and do it, I
worry about throwing a flat pitch, and turn into Rick Ankiel,
lobbing the ball all over the place. I swear, it’s a more
harrowing experience than trying to re-fuel at the end of Level 3
in “Top Gun” on Nintendo. And since you only get three
pitches ““ whether the hitter swings or not ““ you just
can’t put a headcase on the mound to pitch to your own
team.)
Ah, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. I honestly
can’t express how happy I am right now.
I think I might stay a fifth year just to play one more
season.
OK, that was a joke.
For now.
(). There. Agase has officially broken his own record for
parentheses in a column. E-mail him at jagase@media.ucla.edu