Rock is dead.
It’s a cry that’s been repeated so many times
it’s lost its meaning, become a caricature of its own weighty
intent and earnest grievousness. Nevertheless, each new wave of
rock “˜n’ roll invariably elicits the same doom-saying
and end-of-the-world predictions. Critics have even had the
audacity to dub an entire genre (or collection of genres)
“post-rock,” as if it’s all been over since Slint
released “Spiderland.”
I don’t think rock is dead. I don’t think punk is
dead. I don’t even think Elvis is dead. No matter what
happens to mainstream music, there will always be someone somewhere
making music that is challenging and relevant. So no, I don’t
think that the death of rock is an issue. But as I sit here and
watch John Tesh singing “my god is an awesome god” on
television, I’m reminded that there’s still a lot of
crap out there. A whole lot. In that spirit, I give you the five
worst things about music today.
5. The prepackaged homogeneity of MTV rock ““ I want to
know, honestly, is there anyone who, if blindfolded, could
seriously tell the difference between Staind, Puddle of Mudd,
P.O.D., Linkin Park or any of the countless other wholly
unremarkable, shamelessly manufactured acts clogging the airwaves?
I doubt it.
4. Michael Jackson ““ I’ve been tarred and feathered
more times than I can remember for maintaining my position that The
King of Pop is one of the more overrated music legends around these
days. But whether you love or hate his older stuff, these days the
man has just lost his mind. From the prosthetic nose to the
dangling of children over balconies, if there’s one thing
that I just don’t need any more of, it’s Michael
Jackson.
3. Emo ““ What people don’t realize is that the music
we now refer to as emo actually has its roots in some older and
infinitely more worthwhile music. The emotional catharsis that
characterizes the music started in many ways with a D.C. post-punk
band called Rites of Spring. Emo began to be recognized as a genre
unto itself thanks to the work of mid-nineties indie giants Sunny
Day Real Estate and The Promise Ring. Probably the most influential
group for today’s music is the once-great Weezer, whose first
two records rank among the best of the decade and spawned countless
imitators. But these days, most emo is just thin, whiney pop that
rips off older groups without adding anything original, and serves
only to disseminate arguably the worst lyrics ever written. I mean,
“your hair is everywhere, screaming infidelities?”
Please.
2. Jam Bands ““ I want to be clear about this. The Grateful
Dead was one of rock’s all-time great bands in terms of
musicianship, songwriting and performance. But Phish is boring, its
jams are less focused, and its lyrics nothing more than vapid,
meaningless hallucinogenic free-form. And it is by far the best of
the current jam band set. Worst of all, the jamming bug seems to be
spreading even to more respectable rock acts. Lately I can’t
go to a show without the last song being a 13-minute ordeal. Bands
should realize; longer just doesn’t mean better.
1. Courtney Love. It’s not enough for Courtney to have
sold her soul for a little more fame, to have traded in her
once-invincible cred to make terrible pop records and star in
mainstream movies. No, she still doesn’t have enough stuff,
and so adds to her resume the systematic defilement of one of the
greatest geniuses in music history, a man she claims to have loved.
First, she blocked the release of a comprehensive Nirvana box set
that would have given fans a wealth of rare material so that she
could instead put out a more lucrative but less interesting
greatest hits collection. And then, in one of the most nauseating
acts of mercenary commercialism I’ve ever seen, she released
Kurt Cobain’s private diaries for publication, diaries in
which he repeatedly writes how he wants them to remain private
after his death. I think if I were married to her, I would have
killed myself too.
E-mail Crossen at dcrossen@media.ucla.edu.