If Dan Guerrero deals with Steve Lavin like he did with Bob
Toledo, Lavin will be dropped like an unwanted remainder in a long
division problem after Saturday’s game, before the Pac-10
tournament begins.
Toledo, remember, was fired the Monday after the last
regular-season game.
So, who will coach this team in the Pac-10 tournament (yes, I
think they’ll get there)?
Here are my potential candidates:
“¢bull; Ed Kezirian, towel-waver extraordinaire, assistant
director of academic services, and more importantly former interim
UCLA head football coach.
He’s filled in for a fired coach before, and owns the best
winning percentage in Westwood coaching history.
Granted, Kezirian may not have any basketball experience, but
think of the formations he can run:
“Okay guys, we’re running an I-formation offense,
with two backs in the backfield and two receivers split out to the
right.”
He’d confuse the hell out of Arizona coach Lute Olson, and
use Marcedes Lewis as an option quarterback.
If Kezirian gets this team to the NCAA tournament, he’d be
the biggest wizard at UCLA since John Wooden.
“¢bull; Bill Walton.
Walton may not have any coaching experience, but the ex-UCLA and
NBA great would be an effective short-term coach for this team.
Walton would especially be good if the Bruins get the No. 8 seed
and face Arizona.
“Luke, I am your father.”
“Shut up, Dad!”
Yes, Bill could probably get in his son Luke’s head, which
may be enough to push UCLA over the Wildcats, pulling the biggest
upset of the season.
After Arizona, the Bruins could face Oregon (which they should
have beat) and Cal (which they did beat) so winning the Pac-10
tournament could become a reality.
Walton could even bring his television show film crew and have a
mike on him during the game.
“Throw it down, big man!” he’d say after T.J.
Cummings misses an easy layup.
“¢bull; Jan van Breda Kolff, St. Bonaventure head coach.
Yes, this is the same coach who let his team quit after it was
announced that the Bonnies had to forfeit their Atlantic-10
victories because of an ineligible player.
Under van Breda Kolff, UCLA could just throw in the towel for
real, sparing us a 60-point destruction.
“¢bull; Jim Harrick, Jr., former Georgia assistant coach. Was
fired two days ago for NCAA violations, and is the son of Jim
Harrick Sr., the last coach to lead UCLA to a national
championship.
You figure Harrick Jr. has half of senior’s genes, so he
can’t be all bad. Besides, if he’s like his dad,
he’ll make this team win, then have problems with the NCAA,
just in time for the Bruins to hire Lavin Jr.
“¢bull; Captain Helmet, outspoken UCLA fanatic.
Helmet is a motivator, experienced in trying to pump the Pauley
crowd up ““ not an easy task when the team is horrible.
Besides, Helmet could probably psyche out the other team with
his loud voice and a basketball around his head, and the Bruins
would never be charged with a shot-clock violation.
“3! 2! 1! Shoot it, Crispin!”
“¢bull; Wooden himself. Taking this team to the NCAA tournament
might be more impressive than any of his prior accomplishments.
Wooden’s team-oriented coaching philosophy may even allow
Cummings to match his paltry assist total (17) for the season.
The reduced row echelon form of the Bruins’ quality of
play matrix is close to zero. E-mail the Stat Geek at
gquinonez@media.ucla.edu.