It’s the last week of the Pac-10 season and the bottom
half of the conference is fighting for its postseason lives.
Arizona, Stanford and Cal are NCAA tournament locks. They’re
as “in” as Macaulay Culkin at a Michael Jackson slumber
party.
Oregon and Arizona State are also in a great position, barring
any last-minute collapses.
For the rest of the Pac-10 teams, their postseason hopes rest in
the conference tournament. USC, Oregon State, Washington and UCLA
have two more games to decide postseason position. Yes, even UCLA
has a shot at the Big Dance. A one in 67,000 shot the way the Stat
Geek and I figure it.
The Titanic fared better in its maiden voyage than the Bruins
have this season. At least a few hundred people, including Kate
Winslet (“sorry Leo, my big British behind leaves no room on
the raft for you”), managed to survive that wreck. But
hearken UCLA fans, there is still a lifeboat available for this
tortured program.
Before I get into the scenarios, is there anything more funny
than imagining T.J. Cummings, Ryan Hollins, Marcedes Lewis and Jon
Crispin in the same lifeboat together? If they ran out of food and
were forced to eat someone, is there any doubt who would end up
with the short straw? It’s a good thing for Crispin’s
sake that none of those three guys can shoot straight.
Anyway, back to the serious journalism. With a win over
Washington on Saturday, UCLA can secure a spot in the Pac-10
tournament. How’s this for weird: the Bruins still get in if
they lose to Washington, Cal beats Stanford, and USC beats
Washington.
That’s the kind of logical thinking that might have saved
the Titanic: “So you’re saying that UCLA can make the
postseason if Venus goes into alignment with Mercury and somebody
throws Celine Dion off this bo”“ My God is that an iceberg?
Hard to port!”
Not only do the Bruins have a shot at making the conference
tournament, they can actually reach a higher seed and avoid that
ugly first-round matchup with Arizona. To wind up with the seventh
seed, UCLA needs to beat both Washington State and Washington as
well as have either Oregon State or USC get swept. Stick with me,
the story gets even better.
The Bruins can jump from ninth to sixth if both the Beavers and
the Trojans get swept. Is it just my sick mind, or did I just use
the words six, nine, beaver and trojan in the same sentence?
Weird.
Now, the conference tournament is being held at the Staples
Center, home to the Lakers, Kings, Clippers, Jack Nicholson and the
great Penny “don’t call me Laverne” Marshall.
I’m not sure what’s more fake, the cheese on the $8
nachos or the breasts on all the “actresses” in
attendance.
In any case, the Bruins are 0-1 in Staples Center after getting
whooped by Cal in last year’s first round, and probably
won’t improve much on that mark. Then again, all the Bruins
need to do is win 11 in a row and they’re national champs
…
Michael Jackson has a better chance of being named head of the
PTA.