When thousands of Democrats and anti-war zealots walk out of
their classes on Wednesday, expect a few basketball fans to be
close on their heels.
It appears that war with Iraq has been tentatively scheduled for
the same time slot as the NCAA tournament.
According to CBS President Sean McManus, the network might
preempt its basketball telecasts if war breaks out during the
tourney. That means our nation’s premier sporting event could
be shifted to the considerably less hallowed airwaves of fellow
Viacom networks VH-1, TNN or even MTV.
But before all you hoops aficionados grab your megaphones and
take to the streets in protest, consider this: Yes, it’s
sacrilegious, but has there ever been a situation more wrought with
potential for unintentional comedy than March Madness brought to
you by MTV?
Here’s what an evening’s worth of NCAA coverage
might look like, MTV style:
7 p.m.: Hosts Jim Nantz, Fred Durst and Britney Spears welcome
us to their Times Square studio for tonight’s basketball
extravaganza. Incidentally, Spear’s tube top offers as much
coverage as a handkerchief. Somewhere Hannah Storm cringes.
7:08: Nantz sends us off to Omaha, Neb. where MTV’s
unlikely announcing duo of Billy Packer and Ja Rule are set to call
the action between Oregon and Duke.
Packer: The Blue Devils are really going to have their hands
full trying to contain Oregon point guard Luke Ridnour.
Ja Rule: Holla!
7:10: As Kelly Osbourne lip-syncs the national anthem, both
teams ““ clad in the latest trendy throwback jerseys of course
““ struggle to keep from laughing.
7:29: With Duke leading 24-21, Packer sends it down to sideline
reporter Ozzy Osbourne, who is set to interview Duke head coach
Mike Krzyzewski.
Osbourne: Ozzy Osbourne here with Duke coach Mike Krrr ““
zzz ““ um ““ bloody hell ““ Sharon!
Oh well, it’s still an upgrade over Ahmad Rashad.
7:56: It’s finally halftime, and Nantz and company are
interviewing R&B legend R. Kelly.
Nantz: What are your thoughts so far on the Sweet 16?
Kelly: Well yes, Jim, 16 is rather sweet.
8:13: The second half is underway, and Packer and Ja Rule banter
back and forth.
Packer: Whoever wins this game is going to have to watch out for
the Cinderella Salukis of Southern Illinois in the next round.
Ja Rule: Salukis! Holla!
8:27: Duke reels off an 8-0 run causing Oregon head coach Ernie
Kent to call a timeout. That means we are treated to a commercial
advertising Bob Knight as Monday’s guest host on Total
Request Live. Have we not reached the peak of civilization when
Knight introduces a Christina Aguilera video on MTV?
8:40: Ja Rule leaves the broadcast table to go hit on
cheerleaders, leaving Packer to call the last 20 minutes by
himself. No matter. Packer felt like he couldn’t get a word
in edgewise with the verbose Ja Rule beside him.
9:03: With Duke up six points and a minute to play, MTV network
execs break away from the game to show us the 293rd showing of the
Video Music Awards. Meanwhile, a perplexed Jim Nantz contemplates
whether his job is worth all this stress as Durst and Spears make
out in the corner.
Isn’t America great?
The Stat Geek’s response upon reading Eisenberg’s
column: “Who the hell is Ja Rule?” E-mail Eisenberg at
jeisenberg@media.ucla.edu.