Walking is ridiculous. It takes time, it’s tiring and
it’s not that fun. Since walking to class is such an arduous
affair, replete with construction obstacles, rain and the crazies
on Bruin Walk, I have thought up several different solutions to the
ambulatory crisis that grips UCLA’s student population.
The fact is we need a new way to get to class. We either need a
gondola, an underground light-rail system (like the Chunnel, minus
the English Channel) or one of those horizontal escalator thingies.
It’s a wonder no one thought this up before.
As an aside, walking is cool if you are on a hot date, holding
hands, drinking hot chocolate and it’s a chilly autumn
evening. But that’s about it.
The way I see it, the transportation system should dock
somewhere by Puzzles and terminate near Powell Library. Students
living on the Hill would queue up bright and early for the service
as it would whisk thousands of kids to class each day for just one
swipe of their BruinCard (deducted from students’ meal
plans).
Remember, I’m not asking for something ridiculous, like a
teleportation system ““ my plan is simple and rooted in
reality.
I contacted the big shots at UCLA ““ the guys who scored
1690s on the SATs ““ to get some answers about this
transportation plan.
I asked each administrator whether any studies had been done to
assess construction of a gondola (think ski lift/Big Bear), an
underground light-rail system (think choo-choo train) or one of
those horizontal escalators (think LAX baggage claim). I wondered
whether some other UCLA visionary had ever even dreamed of any type
of similar project.
“I am not aware of any past plans to construct some type
of people-mover system across campus,” said Jeffrey Averill,
acting director of Design Services for UCLA Campus Capital
Programs.
“Generally, I would say that a gondola, horizontal
escalator or such construction would be economically infeasible for
the university. Any of these would be a massive infrastructure
investment. There would also be numerous aesthetic issues to ensure
compatibility with the campus.”
At least Averill is thinking big ““ obviously, this stuff
would have to be heavily engineered.
According to Director of Housing Mike Foraker, no feasibility
study has been conducted. But he said that “any kind of
opportunity to get students to and from campus would be appreciated
by students coming to the Hill.” Sadly, he said that budget
constraints would make such an endeavor unreasonable.
On the opposite extreme, I’ve even considered hitchhiking
to class. However, remembering that I’m a pretty shy guy, and
that conversation with my abductors would thus be kind of awkward,
I abandoned that idea.
Since we don’t yet have a horizontal escalator thingy and
hitchhiking is clearly out of the question, I can only offer up one
short-term solution to combat the long walk to class.
What if I said you could walk to class without traversing a
single incline? This is true if you learn to love elevators. The
Anderson School of Business’ lift offers students a
wonderfully efficient way of getting to class.
From the building’s lobby, take the elevator to the third
floor, admire the terribly gaudy artwork (stuff you’d find
hanging in a chain restaurant) that lines the walls, and once you
exit the structure, you are deposited right near Rolfe Hall.
Brilliant.
They didn’t drop in an underground light-railway system
when they ripped up the Intramural Field, but rest assured they
could easily plop one in soon, as they will be ripping apart the
Hill until at least 2007 building a bunch of new Hedricks and
Riebers. So in a million years it’ll be 2007 (by then, one of
those newfangled teleportation systems will be reasonably priced),
and I’ll be all grown up, have five kids, and maybe
they’ll get to ride the gondolas to class.