Imagine a world without color, without powder blue or Bruin gold
““ a world that bores the eye with gray. Imagine then a world
without sports.
During one particularly dark and depressing week when it
actually rained in Westwood, I pondered these dark and depressing
thoughts. These notions were caused by a recent ESPN ad campaign
using the slogan “Without sports”¦”
Between brainstorming and research, I have compiled the
following list of consequences to ESPN’s query. Some are
facetious, some are serious and some I’ve left up to your
discretion, sports fans.
Without sports:
“¢bull; There would be no WNBA.
“¢bull; The Stat Geek would just be another geek.
“¢bull; There would be nobody to coach eighth grade flag
football.
“¢bull; There would be nobody to get fired from coaching eighth
grade flag football.
“¢bull; I would be unemployed. Twice.
“¢bull; People would drink before going to the ballet.
“¢bull; Chess players would be the ones making millions.
“¢bull; There would be no jocks.
“¢bull; There would be no jock straps.
“¢bull; There would be fewer illegitimate children.
Without sports:
“¢bull; Ali would not be the greatest.
“¢bull; Koufax would just be a skinny Jewish kid.
“¢bull; Magic would just be Earvin.
“¢bull; Foreman would just be a grill.
“¢bull; The “Bad Boys” would just be cops.
“¢bull; The Fab Five would just be a boy band.
“¢bull; The Rally Monkey would just be on
“Friends”.
“¢bull; The Galloping Ghost would just be a Harry Potter
character.
“¢bull; The only hitting Pete Rose would do would happen at a
blackjack table.
Without sports:
“¢bull; There would be no longest cherry seed-spitting contest
at the Cook County Fair in Illinois. And yes, that is a sport.
“¢bull; There would be no body painting.
“¢bull; People would actually go to church on Sunday
mornings.
“¢bull; The English would have nothing to do when they
drink.
“¢bull; Little brothers would not be tough.
“¢bull; Beer would just be a beverage.
“¢bull; There would be no beer helmets.
“¢bull; There would be no Miller Time, no Beer Guy and no Twins
(think Coors Light).
“¢bull; There would be no Friday night lights.
“¢bull; There would be no Friday night fights.
“¢bull; There would be no baseball cards.
“¢bull; There would be no stale gum in packs of baseball
cards.
Without sports:
“¢bull; There would be no Dodger Dogs.
“¢bull; There would be no cheap seats.
“¢bull; There would be no heckling.
“¢bull; There would be no 19th hole.
“¢bull; There would be no sports bars.
“¢bull; There would be no Wide World of Sports.
“¢bull; There would be no SportsCenter.
“¢bull; There would be no SportsCenter commercials.
Without sports at UCLA:
“¢bull; They could tear up the IM field and make a parking
lot.
“¢bull; We wouldn’t have to sit in traffic to watch a home
game.
“¢bull; There would be fewer Cadillac Escalades bumping music in
Westwood.
“¢bull; The company that makes the athlete backpacks would file
for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
“¢bull; Physiological Science 5, History of Rock ‘n’
Roll and Molecular, Cell and Developmental Biology 40 would not see
150 new faces on the day of the midterm and final.
“¢bull; Steve Lavin would be a hair model.
“¢bull; Pauley would be the name of Chancellor Carnesale’s
parrot.
“¢bull; The Bruin bear would not have to “hibernate”
for one week in November.
“¢bull; The water polo team would have to get hair cuts.
“¢bull; You would not have to read this.
Without sports, there would be no sports fans, no glory of
victory and no agony of defeat. Without sports, there would be no
life.
Without sports, baseball would still be
“faantastic.” E-mail your thoughts to
ekaron@media.ucla.edu.