We’re living in an age of Superhero Renaissance. Within a
few years we’ve had new movies about Spiderman, Daredevil,
X-Men and the Hulk. These flicks have driven up the value of my
comic book portfolio immeasurably, and they’re actually
pretty fun to watch.
In honor of Ben Affleck’s latest attempt to revive a movie
career still reeling from “I’ll never live up to
“˜Good Will Hunting'” syndrome, let’s take a
super look at the Pac-10.
Quick: who’s the first superhero that comes to mind? Is it
a bird, is it a plane? No, it’s Superman.
Chances are the Man of Steel is the first hero to pop up in
anyone’s brain. He can fly, he’s invulnerable to
bullets, is über-strong, and shoots laser beams out of his
freakin’ eyeballs. How cool is that?
I have some serious eye-laser envy issues.
If Superman is the dominant force in the Superhero kingdom, then
Arizona is the Superman of the Pac-10. They’re No. 1 in the
conference, in the nation, and in the hearts of comic book readers
everywhere. The team is strong, quick, and I’m pretty sure
Hassan Adams could give Superman a run for his money in a jump
contest. Personally, I’m still waiting for the day Lute Olson
blasts Steve Lavin with his eye beams. Can anyone else picture this
incident:
“Hey Lute, great game today, you’re a great man and
a great ambassador to the game. I hope whoever replaces me is as
gracious a loser to your team as I am.”
“Quiet Steve, you peon! Who’s your daddy?!
ZAP!”
Cal, only one game behind Arizona in the conference, also
deserves a powerful Superhero persona. And what would be more
appropriate than the Hulk? The big green behemoth is normally a
mild-mannered scientist, but when he gets angry he turns into an
enraged beast intent on destruction. Sounds like your typical Cal
student anyway: nerds by day, wild and crazy beasts after a bender
of substance abuse by night.
Oregon is a team built on a tandem of Luke and Luke (Jackson and
Ridnour), and there is only one legit comic book tandem: Batman and
Robin. The question is, really, which one is the Man? On some
nights Jackson lights it up, and on other nights Ridnour carries
the team. They’re both cool, but if they want to successfully
fight crime and win the Pac-10, a firm hierarchy needs to be
established.
Did Robin ever shout, “Yo Batman, quit hoggin’ all
the criminals, throw me a bone here, dog! Man, why is my cape so
much shorter than yours?”
No, I didn’t think so.
I hate to break my own motif here, but Stanford is definitely
Two Face, nemesis to Batman. I know, supervillains weren’t
supposed to enter into things, but Two Face is just so perfect for
this program. What other possible supercharacter could they be?
This is a team that beat mighty Arizona in Tucson, yet earlier
in the season lost to Richmond and Montana in their own tournament,
and to Washington in Seattle.
By the way, how many Stanford kids does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? Ten: nine to screw in the bulb and one to make sure that
a sufficiently diverse ethnic and socioeconomic group was
represented in the screwing process.
The other Arizona school isn’t bad either. The Sun Devils
recently destroyed both UCLA and USC and have 17 wins.
They’re also plucky … and red … and very … devilish. So
naturally, their superhero counterpart must be Daredevil, because
Daredevil is also plucky and red and …devilish. Love the little
horns, Ben.
Washington State is awful. They’re 0-13 in the conference.
There’s just nothing redeeming about this team. Kind of like
Jean Grey, one of the most underpowered superheros ever.
She’s just a poor man’s Professor Xavier. Sure, she can
move a deck of cards around with her mind … gee that’s
exciting. Telepathy is also kind of neat, but who says you need
psychic powers to be effective at predicting the future?
Washington State players all have ESP. The same thought probably
goes through their heads before every game: “We’re
gonna loooose…”
Colin Yuhl has ESP too: Steve Lavin is getting fired this
season. Email him if you’re amazed at
cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.