Traditions have been changing, but some families still expect
their children to date, and certainly to marry, within their own
religion.
Thus lovers of opposing backgrounds must struggle, like Capulets
and Montagues, against familial expectations. Such is the case for
third-year electrical engineering student Noah Kaplan and
third-year political science student Susan Baig.
Kaplan and Baig asked that their real names not be used, so
their parents would not know of their relationship. Kaplan is of
Jewish descent and Baig is Muslim. The apparent conflict between
their families’ cultures and faiths complicates their
relationship.
As a result, Kaplan and Baig decided to keep their relationship
a secret from their parents.
“It is a bit easier for me because my parents are away in
New York, while hers are in Orange County,” Kaplan said.
“Still, I have to be careful when I call my girlfriend from
home.”
“We have had some close calls,” he added.
Baig recalled one New Year’s Day when Kaplan sent two
dozen red roses to her house and she had to tell her family they
were from “just a friend.” She said her parents most
likely have their suspicions.
“They don’t bring it up because that might open up
things they don’t want to hear,” Baig said.
The secrecy in Baig and Kaplan’s lives is not only
inconvenient, it can be quite stressful.
“It adds a sense of transience to the relationship,”
Kaplan said, “when neither of us can speak openly about the
other to our families.”
“We both understand each others’ situation,”
he said. “We disagree with our parent’s views. We
believe their views are unreasonable, but we understand their
cultures and where they are coming from.”
Kaplan’s parents are Israeli, and for ten years he
attended an “extremely Jewish” high school. While he
now describes himself as atheist, his parents stick to
tradition.
“My mother has told me she won’t go to the wedding
if my bride is non-Jewish,” Kaplan said.
Baig was born in Turkey and lived there until she was 10 years
old. Her parents believe it is only logical that she dates and
marries someone from a similar background.
Growing up Baig never attended religious classes, but Muslim
traditions and holidays were an integral part of her life.
“I respect how my parents try to maintain their sense of
culture in a foreign place,” Baig said.
“What is most difficult (about our situation) is that when
you care about one another so much, you do picture the possibility
of a future together,” said Kaplan.
If the relationship rose to marriage, Kaplan believes he and his
girlfriend would make it work.
Baig said she would anticipate initial anger and grief from her
family if she announced a plan to marry someone of a different
upbringing.
“But my parents would (eventually) trust in my capability
to choose my own happiness,” she said.
Judaism is passed on through the mother, while Islam is passed
on through the father. Thus, Kaplan said if he and his girlfriend
were to marry and have children, their kids would have no specified
religion.
This result would not bode well with his parents, who Kaplan
believes are primarily concerned with passing on their faith to
subsequent generations.
For Baig her family places a different emphasis.
“My family, most importantly, wants to preserve the
Turkish language,” she said.
In no way would Kaplan and Baig abandon their heritages, now or
in the future.
“We would bring both of our respective cultures to our
children,” said Kaplan.
Having been together for 14 months, Kaplan and Baig think
interfaith relationships can definitely work. However, Baig said
interfaith dating is probably easier when neither person is
ardently religious.
Kaplan sees great benefits in dating across cultures.
“I wouldn’t want to date someone just like me
““ I know me,” Kaplan said. “That wouldn’t
add anything to my life. So, instead, I am breaking a
barrier.”